#70
“Senior, please eat a lot too.”
Hee-gyeom was particularly uncomfortable with Tae-rim, but he tried to smile and cheerfully encouraged him. However, Tae-rim’s response was just an expressionless face. Hee-gyeom averted his gaze with a puzzled look and pushed some meat towards Ha-min.
“Hyung, I grilled some pork jowl. They say it’s A+ grade Jeju black pork. There wasn’t much, but I snagged some for you.”
Hee-gyeom, with his sleeves rolled up to his shoulders, used tongs to place the meat in front of Ha-min. Ha-min awkwardly smiled and thanked him for the thoughtful gesture.
Ever since discovering the scar, Hee-gyeom had been subtly hovering around Ha-min. He had already brought meat to Ha-min’s table several times, and there was a pile of uneaten food. While Ha-min had been grateful all day, it was now becoming burdensome. Tae-rim’s persistent gaze followed Hee-gyeom’s movements.
“There’s still a lot of meat…”
“That’s right. Ah, why haven’t you eaten much? Come on, eat up.”
“You should eat too. You must be hungry from all that grilling.”
“I’ve been snacking a lot while grilling with Tae-in hyung. I’m going to eat some sashimi now. Oh, they say we’ll have seafood stew later too. It’s going to be awesome.”
Hee-gyeom kept chattering and deliberately took Ha-min’s hand to give him chopsticks. There was a gaze following them, but Ha-min didn’t notice and nodded with a dazed expression.
Ha-min understood why Hee-gyeom was paying such special attention to him. He probably felt sorry for the hideous scar he had seen earlier that day. Concerned and worried… It was a natural reaction for kind-hearted people. Ha-min wore a bitter smile as he picked up a piece of meat. He glanced at the suddenly quiet Tae-rim and quietly placed it in front of him.
“You eat too, hyung.”
Although their conversation had been interrupted by Hee-gyeom’s arrival, Ha-min quickly remembered that Tae-rim had said he was hungry. Tae-rim’s gaze, which had been fixed on Hee-gyeom, shifted. Ha-min couldn’t bring himself to look at Tae-rim directly, but he added another piece of meat and spoke with difficulty.
“And about what you said earlier… can we talk about it when we’re alone?”
As Ha-min whispered carefully, Tae-rim let out a small laugh. Then, Tae-rim’s hand on Ha-min’s thigh tightened its grip.
“Sure, when we’re alone.”
Tae-rim’s voice was clear as he answered. Just then,
“What are you two going to do alone?”
Tae-in plopped down next to Hee-gyeom. He was holding several grilled shrimp and scallops. He looked at Tae-rim with displeasure as he put them in his mouth one by one with tongs.
“Hey, Song Ha-min, don’t think about sneaking off today.”
“Huh?”
“What do you mean ‘alone’? He’s going to hang out with us all day today, you know?”
Tae-in, unaware of the context, blurted out. He had been disappointed about not being able to play together all afternoon, and now he was on guard, insisting that Ha-min shouldn’t leave with his brother.
Tae-rim’s eyebrow twitched at Tae-in’s combative words. Tae-in, either knowing or not knowing, filled a glass with alcohol. It wasn’t beer or soju, but high-proof liquor. He handed the glass with the swirling golden liquid to Ha-min.
“We came all the way to Jeju Island, you should at least drink this much.”
“Hyung, give me some too.”
“Sure.”
Ha-min quietly looked down at the glass placed in front of him. While he was momentarily distracted by the transparent amber liquid, a large hand blocked his view. As he slowly moved his gaze along the hand, he saw Tae-rim’s handsome face with a faint smile at the end.
“Drink beer.”
Tae-rim briefly suggested, though it sounded more like an order.
“What’s with beer when we’ve come all this way? Hey, Ha-min, ignore that guy.”
“Ha-min is weak with alcohol.”
“He should at least taste it. Besides, I know better about his alcohol tolerance.”
Tae-rim’s eyebrow twitched again at Tae-in’s boastful words. Caught between the sparks flying between them, Ha-min glanced at both sides and carefully pushed away Tae-rim’s hand blocking the glass. He felt he should side with Tae-in this time. He didn’t want to end the trip with just regrets, unable to properly enjoy himself on his first vacation.
“I’ll just drink a little.”
Ha-min said obediently with a small smile.
“Why are you asking for his permission? Why are you butting in when the kids are trying to have fun…”
At Tae-in’s words of utter incomprehension, Tae-rim shot him a cold look that seemed to say, ‘Does he want to get hit?’
Still, seeing Tae-rim oddly comfortable only with Tae-in, Ha-min smiled slightly and picked up the glass.
As he carefully put it in his mouth, the bitter taste vibrated as if it would burn his throat. It was a strong taste that seemed like it could soak even his unsettled feelings.
**
After exchanging a few drinks with Tae-in, Ha-min’s head was spinning. Although Tae-rim had been feeding him meat and sashimi in between, the liquor was apparently quite strong. Still, he didn’t feel bad. He was happy to see Tae-in in a good mood as the drinks were passed around.
As time passed, people started getting drunk one by one. Ha-min quietly put down his glass, feeling that if he drank any more, he might black out. Tae-in was in high spirits, endlessly talking about his childhood stories. Ha-min listened quietly, occasionally responding and nodding with a pleasant smile.
In the meantime, he realized that Tae-rim, who had been by his side the whole time, was no longer there. As he looked around with wavering eyes from the alcohol, he spotted Tae-rim smoking and talking on the phone outside on the terrace. Even though he was just on the phone, he looked like he was in a photoshoot, and Ha-min stared at him blankly for a moment.
There was still so much to talk about… The misunderstanding from earlier, and why he was upset… Ha-min tried to open his eyes wide to clear his head, but they just blinked slowly.
“Are you okay, hyung?”
Hee-gyeom asked worriedly, seeing Ha-min sitting blankly as if lost in thought. Ha-min turned his head towards the voice and nodded quietly.
“You’re already drunk after just a few drinks.”
“No, I’m not drunk.”
Ha-min spoke in a clear voice. He couldn’t get drunk. He still had things to say to hyung. There were things he wanted to ask. Suddenly, Chae-rin’s words came back to him. Jealousy. Whether he was really jealous… Even though he knew it was foolish, even though he knew it was a vain hope, he kept wondering about it. His thoughts chained together in a long sequence. If not that… was it just formal kindness, showing courtesy to someone he was physically intimate with?
He didn’t have the courage to say it out loud, but his curiosity only grew. He naturally thought it was the latter, but it was hyung who made him hope. It was him who kept nurturing these selfish feelings. Alcohol was scary. Before he knew it, he was blaming hyung for the desires coming from his own heart. He was building up the possibility of something impossible. He let out a bitter laugh at how pathetic he was.
“I’m going to get some fresh air for a moment.”
Ha-min stood up unsteadily, thinking he should get some cool air. As he stood up suddenly, his head spun for a moment.
“Will you be okay alone?”
Ha-min nodded with a broad smile. They say you build alcohol tolerance by drinking, and it seemed that wasn’t wrong. Before, he would black out after just three shots of soju, but now he could walk straight.
As he stepped out onto the terrace, which had glass walls all around, a cool breeze greeted him quietly. He smiled faintly, feeling good as the wind eased the heat on his face. He walked slowly and sat down on a bench in the backyard for a moment. He wanted to escape the noisy sounds.
The night air in Jeju was definitely different from Seoul. It was more humid than Seoul, but also more refreshing. Ha-min lifted his head blankly and shuffled his feet.
“I thought you said you’d only drink a little.”
Suddenly, he saw Tae-rim sitting hunched below his legs. His characteristically gentle voice accompanied him. The smell of cigarettes briefly tickled his nose.
“I’m not drunk.”
Ha-min spoke forcefully, enunciating each syllable like before. Responding quickly as if to defend himself against the seemingly reproachful words, a deflated laugh sounded low. It was a sound that made his ears tingle just from hearing it.
Tae-rim squatted in front of him and held Ha-min’s hands that were resting on his knees. A warm sensation penetrated his entire body. His heartbeat echoed along with the sound of the wind. Ha-min stared at the man before him for a moment, as if entranced. The words he had wanted to ask since earlier rose to his throat. The alcohol kept stirring up impulses. Ha-min looked down at him quietly and spoke heavily.
“Hyung…”
“Yes.”
Tae-rim responded immediately to the soft call.
“Earlier…”
“Yes.”
“Were you… angry?”
Even asking just this made his hands tremble and his pupils shake. Was he perhaps angry, perhaps… jealous? The pitiful emotions he wanted confirmed were piling up and overflowing.
Tae-rim smiled faintly at the hesitant question. He just smiled.
“Usually, people misunderstand in that kind of situation.”
He spoke gently. His eyes were the opposite of earlier. His gaze, looking at Ha-min as if to soothe him, was mild and kind.
“But when I think about it, who you sleep with is up to you, Ha-min.”
He gently rubbed Ha-min’s hand with his finger. His voice was as if he was trying to placate him.
“Even if you want to sleep with someone else, I’ll respect that.”
“…”
“But when you’re with me, I’d like you to be only with me.”
He continued speaking with a gentle smile. It wasn’t the answer Ha-min wanted at all. It was just Tae-rim’s objective view of their relationship.
