#111
“Are, are you okay?”
As Ha-min asked urgently with a shocked face, Tae-rim quietly stared at him with eyes heated from fever. Realizing he was touching Tae-rim, Ha-min hastily withdrew his hand at the intense gaze. Feeling an invisible line, Ha-min turned his gaze away with a slightly embarrassed face and slowly stepped back.
“I, I just came to bring medicine and porridge… I didn’t mean to burden you, hyung…”
Ha-min spoke dejectedly with an awkward expression, feeling like he had unnecessarily burdened a sick person. At that moment, Tae-rim’s face crumpled.
“That’s not what I meant.”
“…I’ll be going now.”
“Ha-min.”
Tae-rim urgently reached out his hand to grab Ha-min, afraid he might leave right away. But Ha-min avoided his touch and suddenly spoke.
“I.”
The words burst out as he tried to avoid Tae-rim. Ha-min’s hand trembled slightly as he slowly opened his mouth.
“I… started this.”
“…”
“I, I approached you with that pretext, l-liked you on my own… and hid my scars.”
Ha-min struggled to continue speaking, unable to meet Tae-rim’s eyes.
“You… did nothing wrong. Actually, I wanted to tell you earlier but… You know. My personality. It wasn’t easy to face you. I was ashamed.”
Ha-min tried to smile, but his lips were very crooked and awkward.
“You… don’t actually date men, and with me it was just… out of curiosity…”
“…”
“I knew that, so I kept trying to end it. You and I don’t match… and you’re going back to America anyway…”
He wanted to organize his thoughts and speak clearly, but he always ended up like this in front of Tae-rim. As he rambled on, Ha-min’s head gradually lowered.
“So… you don’t have to feel sorry. I really never thought I hated you…”
“You really don’t hate me?”
“…”
“You’ve really never hated me?”
Interrupting Ha-min’s clumsy words, Tae-rim stared at him continuously with a gaze that seemed to urge honesty. Under the blatant stare, Ha-min hesitated for a moment, his lips quivering.
“My heart…”
“…”
“My heart… has been hurt at times…”
“…”
“…but I couldn’t hate you.”
Ha-min’s heart was beating wildly. The sound of his heart pounding so hard it felt like it might burst out of his chest made all the blood vessels in his body feel like they would explode. It was the first time he had openly expressed his honest feelings in front of Tae-rim, the first time he had spoken aloud the things he had tried to keep tightly wrapped up, and his pulse was racing to an almost unbearable degree.
Perhaps that’s why, in the suddenly heavier atmosphere, Ha-min seemed to come to his senses and touched his lips before hastily changing the subject.
“So, so you don’t have to worry about it anymore.”
“…”
“You don’t have to wait for me to contact you anymore.”
Ha-min finished speaking with a forced faint smile. He had struggled to get the words out, but Tae-rim said nothing. Seeing his clearly confused expression, Ha-min realized that Tae-rim was still sick and concluded once more.
“Well then, I’ll be going now.”
“…”
“Take… your medicine.”
As he was about to turn around, smiling awkwardly as if forcibly trying to refresh the atmosphere, his wrist was firmly grabbed. The hot body temperature traveled up from his wrist, making his fingertips tremble slightly.
“Don’t go.”
The end of Tae-rim’s voice, which had been silent until now, trembled slightly.
“…I was wrong.”
Ha-min couldn’t see Tae-rim’s face as he had turned around. He could only hear the slightly trembling voice and deep breathing. Even at that sound alone, Ha-min’s heart felt like it would sink.
“I… was wrong, Ha-min.”
Ha-min slowly turned around at the voice that seemed pained. Sitting on the bed with his hand pressed to his forehead, Tae-rim looked like a believer waiting for penance. Ha-min couldn’t hide his confusion and tried to pull his hand away, but Tae-rim’s grip only tightened.
“Don’t. I’m fine…”
“I like you.”
“…”
Ha-min froze at those sudden words.
“I know I’ve been acting pathetically all this time.”
“…”
“But… I like you, Ha-min.”
Ha-min couldn’t fathom what he was hearing. As he stared blankly with a dumbfounded expression, a deflated laugh escaped Tae-rim’s lips.
“I know it’s late. I know I’ve been acting like an idiot…”
“…”
“Don’t go.”
Ha-min remained frozen, unable to say anything, as if he were broken. He lost his words and his focus, as if he had lost consciousness. As Tae-rim finished speaking, Ha-min’s lips stiffened. As if it didn’t feel real, as if it made no sense, he rolled his eyes and shook his head stiffly from side to side.
“I don’t understand, I don’t understand what you’re saying.”
“…”
“You…”
In his memory, Tae-rim had always been kind but then drew a line. Ha-min had never heard or imagined such words coming from Tae-rim’s mouth. Even if he acted in a way that made Ha-min misunderstand, it was always hyung who made him realize those were all misunderstandings.
“Just hate me instead. Hit me, curse at me. Do anything.”
“…”
“Just don’t give up.”
“…”
“Don’t give up on me, Ha-min.”
Tae-rim pressed his forehead against Ha-min’s hands that he was holding and pleaded with all his might. His crumpled face even showed desperation. Ha-min’s eyes wandered, lost. This unfamiliar sight, Tae-rim acting so unlike himself, even seemed strange to Ha-min. No, he thought it was impossible.
“You’re… you’re misunderstanding.”
“No, I’m not.”
Then why? Why suddenly…
Ha-min let out a hollow laugh with a dazed face and suddenly stared at his wrist. His expression suddenly turned cold. For a moment, his scarred wrist caught his eye, and his incomprehensible thoughts turned to it. And he remembered Tae-rim’s rigid gaze when he first discovered Ha-min’s wrist. And Tae-rim’s strangely changed attitude since that day quickly flashed through his mind, and Ha-min parted his trembling lips without hesitation.
“Because you pity me…”
Before Tae-rim could ask what he meant as Ha-min mumbled as if reciting, Ha-min repeated the same words.
“Is it because you pity me?”
Ha-min’s voice noticeably trembled. His pupils seemed dilated, his focus shaking unsteadily. Tae-rim furrowed his brow, unable to hide his confusion at Ha-min’s unfamiliarly unstable appearance.
“What?”
“This… because of this…”
“What are you talking about?”
Ha-min yanked his hand away from Tae-rim’s grip and stroked his scarred wrist as if scratching it. Yes, hyung was just like everyone else.
Because they pity this me. They sympathize with me who attempted suicide, they feel sorry for me who almost died…
“That’s why, that’s why…”
“Ha-min.”
That’s why I didn’t want to show it. In case they pity me. In case they feel sympathy.
“Ha-min, you.”
“…”
“Do you think… I pity you?”
Tae-rim chewed his words with a face that was beyond dumbfounded, almost deflated. He looked almost angry, as if wondering why the conversation had suddenly turned in that direction, but Ha-min couldn’t hear anything Tae-rim was saying.
Ha-min stepped back as if in a daze, scratching his wrist with his fingernails. For a moment, as if having a panic attack, Tae-rim’s worried gaze alternated between getting farther and closer. Unfamiliar voices buzzed like machine noise in his ears. Glances from strangers, whispered words rushed into his ear canal like a swarm of insects.
At the same time, Ha-min’s breathing began to quicken. At the sound of his gasping as if he had fallen into water, Tae-rim quickly got up and approached Ha-min, but Ha-min backed away as if he had seen a monster.
“Ha-min, you…”
Ha-min pressed one hand around his neck, gasping for breath. Tae-rim, unable to hide his shock at the sight, froze in place.
“Ha-min.”
“Haa…”
“Ha-min―!”
As Ha-min staggered, unable to steady his dizzy mind, Tae-rim quickly embraced and supported him. Even as he gasped for rough breaths, Ha-min quietly pleaded not to be looked at. As he twisted his body, hiding his face as if not wanting to show his unsightly appearance, Tae-rim’s face contorted painfully as he held Ha-min tightly.
He squeezed Ha-min’s body, which seemed even thinner than before, and gently patted him. I won’t look. I won’t look, so calm down, Ha-min. He whispered kindly while gently patting Ha-min’s back. Seeing Ha-min trapped in trauma for the first time, Tae-rim felt he could understand him more deeply now.
That everything was difficult for Ha-min. That he had been struggling more than Tae-rim thought. That he had been pushing and acting selfishly towards such a person all this time. As that guilt washed over him, Tae-rim’s face crumpled mercilessly as he hugged Ha-min even tighter.
**
It was deep into the night when Ha-min regained consciousness. In the darkness that was almost pitch black outside, Ha-min slowly blinked his heavy eyes and looked around to see where he was lying. Realizing he was in a familiar bed with white, thick bedding, Ha-min finally understood that he had momentarily lost consciousness.
There was an IV needle in his arm, and following the line up, he saw an IV bag hanging. And the place he was lying was his room. More precisely, it was the room Tae-rim had given him as his own.
Ha-min raised himself up, squeezing his eyes shut at the throbbing headache. He had collapsed in front of Tae-rim… been moved to the room, and even had an IV inserted.
Author: Hyacinthus B
Hyacinthus
