Chapter 109
Luwen bowed his head, covering his face with both hands. Every time he heard Fei’s feverish groans, it was hard to suppress the murderous intent that rose within him, as if he had become a Kans acting on instinct.
‘If I deal with him now, would the young master know?’
Such thoughts suddenly occurred to him, and he was about to act on them, but he couldn’t bring himself to leave Fei’s side. Fei had nearly died in a place thought to be safe. Until yesterday, he could return to his own tent after leaving Fei, but now even that made him anxious.
He couldn’t move an inch, feeling that something might happen if he took his eyes off Fei for a moment. He could only feel at ease watching over him like this.
Luwen gently grasped Fei’s hand that was neatly placed outside the blanket. The body temperature, higher than usual, was clearly felt.
The winter training ground. The moment he sacrificed himself to become a hostage at the mansion. The giant monster encountered in the forest. The Kans’ den from which he had to flee helplessly. After experiencing all of these, Luwen trained rigorously to become stronger. Because he wanted to be able to grasp the hand he had been desperately chasing.
‘I thought… I could grasp it anytime now…’
He was still lacking.
But he no longer wanted to devote himself to training while leaving Fei alone. The same goes for returning to the duke’s mansion. Given that there had actually been an attack, even the mansion no longer felt like a safe place.
He unconsciously tightened his grip on the hand he was holding. Fei furrowed his brow and let out a shallow groan. As the hand tried to slip away, Luwen held on even tighter.
‘Please, don’t pull your hand away from me…’
Why was it? Even though Fei was lying in bed, he looked as precarious as if he were standing on one foot at the edge of a cliff, and Luwen couldn’t calm down at all. That’s why, even though Fei was in pain, even knowing this, he couldn’t loosen his grip on the hand.
Luwen remained by Fei’s side like a statue, holding his hand tightly until he opened his eyes.
* * *
I swallowed the medicine and put down the water glass. Luwen, who had been watching me from his chair, started nodding off. He wouldn’t listen when I told him to lie down comfortably on the bed I offered, and he insisted on staying when I told him to go back to his tent and rest. Now he’s falling asleep like that.
‘Why is he acting like this, making me worried?’
It’s been two days since I opened my eyes.
I haven’t seen Luwen sleep properly. It’s almost as if he’s staging a protest. Although the dull pain, whether from body aches or muscle soreness, was still there, my fever had subsided considerably. Yet he continued to worry.
‘This won’t do at all.’
At this rate, Luwen might collapse. Drastic measures were needed to make him sleep properly.
But I hadn’t found a way yet. No matter how much I tried to persuade him, he absolutely wouldn’t leave my side. He wouldn’t even properly explain why he was acting this way, making it difficult to come up with a solution.
“Luwen.”
Even though I called in a small voice, he reacted quickly, jerking his head up from his light sleep. He stared at me with bloodshot eyes, then exhaled a long, silent breath as if relieved.
I wasn’t going anywhere, but he always had to check if I was still there after taking his eyes off me for a moment.
‘How can you sleep comfortably when you’re so anxious?’
At first, I thought it was because of Alteo. I saw the murderous intent hidden in Luwen’s eyes when he talked about seeing traces of where I had fallen. It was such an intense emotion that it overflowed even though he tried to suppress it.
Thinking he might not believe the excuse I had agreed upon with Alteo, I honestly told Luwen everything. That Alteo had attacked me but also saved me, and even the reason why I needed to put him in charge of the welcome party. It was to explain that there was no need to be wary of Alteo anymore.
I thought Luwen might calm down now that there was no one threatening me, but he didn’t change at all.
“Have you finished your medicine?”
“Yes, I’ve taken it all.”
How can I make him sleep with peace of mind? Would it help if he was sure I wouldn’t go anywhere while he slept? How can I assure him of that?
‘In the end, don’t I need to make him sleep first so he can see that I’m staying put when he wakes up?’
No matter how much I pondered, I kept coming back to square one. Feeling frustrated and worried, I unintentionally let out a sigh, and the sensitive Luwen immediately asked,
“Are you feeling unwell somewhere?”
I was about to answer while managing my expression as usual, but I changed my mind. Until now, I had done as he said, hoping Luwen would feel at ease. Eating well, sleeping well. I even suppressed my desire to leave the bed, wrapping myself in the blanket like a caterpillar and staying still.
‘If that’s not working, I need to change tactics.’
I lowered my head with a furrowed brow. Maintaining a slightly angled position so he could see my expression, I let out another deep sigh.
“Your expression doesn’t look good.”
I answered while only moving my eyes to look at Luwen.
“I’m worried because you’re not sleeping.”
The tension left Luwen’s shoulders, as if relieved that my concern was nothing serious. I didn’t like how he seemed to neglect himself. Value yourself more, you fool.
“I’m sleeping enough.”
“When? I haven’t seen you sleep.”
“I slept when you were sleeping, young master.”
Does he think I’ll believe such a lie?
“It’s obvious from your complexion alone that you’re suffering from lack of sleep. Why are you lying?”
When I spoke sternly on purpose, Luwen lowered his gaze slightly. I was planning to decide whether to soothe him or press him further after hearing his excuse, but Luwen didn’t seem to have any intention of making excuses.
“Protecting you is rest for me.”
He’s being unreasonably stubborn. I need to counter stubbornness with stubbornness.
“Then I’ll get up too.”
“You can’t. You still have a fever.”
“Moving around is resting for me.”
“Don’t say such nonsense.”
Luwen gently grabbed my arm to stop me.
“You were being unreasonable too.”
“It’s not like that.”
“Then tell me the reason. What are you so anxious about? I explained that Alteo won’t threaten me anymore. Didn’t you understand that?”
He closes his mouth again. After staring at his stubbornly closed lips for a while, I pushed away Luwen’s hand holding my arm. But he seemed to have no intention of letting go, gripping even more firmly.
“Ugh.”
It didn’t really hurt, but I groaned and curled up, pretending to be in pain. Luwen flinched and loosened his grip. But when I tried to remove my hand in that gap, he grabbed it tightly again. This time it actually hurt.
“It hurts, Luwen.”
Even as I frowned and complained of pain, his grip didn’t loosen. Seeing Luwen’s bewildered look, it didn’t seem like he was doing it on purpose, which confused me as well.
‘What kind of signal is this? Why is he acting like this?’
He had never been like this before. Even if he accidentally gripped too hard, he would quickly loosen his hold and back off when I expressed pain. Or he would let go even before I could feel pain.
“Luwen?”
“I’m sorry. Can’t you… just stay quietly in bed?”
The ends of his eyebrows drooped. Surprised by his face that looked like it might burst into tears at any moment, I nodded instead.
“Alright. I’ll stay still.”
Only then did Luwen let go of me. My arm was throbbing, so as I held and massaged it, he stared at my arm while chewing on his lower lip.
“I’m sorry…”
His weak voice forced me to change course. There was no way I could be harsh to Luwen in this state.
“No, it’s okay.”
Luwen laid me back down on the bed and pulled up the blanket to cover me. When I relaxed my body and let him do as he wished, he took one of my arms out and held my hand tightly. Unlike before, his touch was extremely careful.
‘Come to think of it, I think I was in this position when I regained consciousness…’
At that time, I had hazily passed it off due to the fever, but thinking back now, I think he didn’t let go of my hand even when Marco was examining me.
“When I was young…”
Luwen, his gaze fixed on our clasped hands, slowly opened his mouth. As if he was about to tell a story he had kept hidden until now, I quietly nodded so as not to interrupt him.
“When you collapsed at the winter training ground when we were young, I couldn’t move you by myself. So I sought help, but I wanted to hold your hand like this. I couldn’t keep up because you were too fast.”
Luwen smiled bitterly.
He seemed to be talking about the day when it was snowing heavily, and I had collapsed in front of young Luwen after pushing myself a bit too hard. Right after I opened my eyes, he had been hanging onto my waist, crying loudly, and then fell asleep exhausted in my arms.
‘Huh? Could it be that now is similar to that time?’
I had heard that Luwen back then also couldn’t sleep and stayed by my side. If this is correct, then…
“Are you anxious because it reminds you of when you were young?”
When I asked to confirm, Luwen nodded. Judging from his complex expression, there seemed to be other reasons mixed in, but the important thing was that his current psychological state was the same as when he was a child.
‘Hmm… If that’s the case, couldn’t he just use me as a sleep pillow?’
Author: Hyacinthus B
Hyacinthus
