Chapter 34
Joo Kwon-oh slowly approached me.
“You’re up early.”
“You too. Ah, I woke you up.”
“It’s okay. You can call anytime.”
“……”
For some reason, the kinder Joo Kwon-oh spoke, the harder it was to meet his eyes.
After standing still for a while, unable to find a response, I felt like my body would twist from embarrassment. So I decided to start walking to shake off the awkwardness.
As I hesitantly took a step, Joo Kwon-oh naturally came closer to my side. We walked aimlessly in silence for a moment.
But as we walked, I realized that the alley of university studio apartments didn’t match this serious atmosphere at all.
Joo Kwon-oh seemed to have similar thoughts as he looked around.
“There’s no cafe open nearby.”
I mumbled, “Yeah,” and checked the time. It was still early, not even 7:30 AM. Even Starbucks opens at 8 AM these days.
I wanted to invite him to my place if it was like this, but I couldn’t bring myself to say it out loud.
“Ah. There’s a playground behind this alley.”
“Let’s go there.”
Our destination was decided surprisingly quickly. I turned into the alley and entered the playground.
As if by agreement, we sat on the swings simultaneously. Of course, being early morning, only Joo Kwon-oh and I were at the playground.
The swings creaked as two grown men sat on them, clearly meant for children.
“Did you just see the notebook now?”
Joo Kwon-oh brought up ‘that topic’ first. I felt half like sinking into the ground, half like flying into the sky.
I don’t understand why I’m feeling this way. Why do I want to run away even though this situation is incredibly good? And why do I want to stay close even though I want to run away?
Why am I so incredibly shy after boldly calling first to say I saw the notebook? When it was Joo Kwon-oh who wrote that he liked me.
I don’t know. Joo Kwon-oh makes me such a strange person. Come to think of it, I’ve always been in this strange state since I got to know him.
“Yeah, I called you as soon as I checked it.”
“That’s a relief. I thought you were upset since you didn’t say anything until now.”
“…I saw it today.”
Every time Joo Kwon-oh, who was too tall for the children’s swing, moved slightly, the swing made a faint squeaking sound.
“We even had sex, so I wondered if it wasn’t good for you.”
I was startled by the word “sex” and looked around with wide eyes.
“W-why are you bringing that up?”
“That day, I was so fucking good it made me want to swear.”
“……”
“Was it not that good for you, Jeong-ha?”
As he suddenly brought up that day, I was once again at a loss for words. With a red face, I could only move my lips for a while before finally managing to shake my head.
“No. I… liked it too… back then.”
“Then we should date.”
Joo Kwon-oh said clearly. At the same time, I felt dizzy.
Surprisingly, it was a conclusion I had never been able to draw myself.
“Date me, Ryu Jeong-ha.”
“……”
Puzzled by the silence, Joo Kwon-oh turned his swing towards me and looked at me directly.
“Huh?”
I couldn’t readily agree or give a positive answer to Joo Kwon-oh’s words. It felt like my lips were stuck together.
The person I like says they like me.
Ironically, in this joyful moment, fear took precedence. Because an incident that had been stuck in my mind for a long time came to mind.
When I was in middle school, an unnamed student had to transfer schools for liking the same gender. The cold gazes and attitudes of adults towards that incident were still tangled in my memory like an unresolved knot.
And on the day that student transferred, I buried all my expectations and possibilities of showing my true self to the world.
So dating Joo Kwon-oh wasn’t such a simple matter. It required a lot of determination for me to stand by his side.
I became anxious, not knowing if Joo Kwon-oh would understand this.
“Why? Don’t you like me?”
“It’s not that…”
“Is there something bothering you?”
He asked as if coaxing me. Only then did I slightly let go of the tension that had been heavily weighing on my chest.
“Dating right away… is a bit…”
“Why?”
“I… actually, I’ve never dated a guy before…”
“Me neither.”
Joo Kwon-oh chuckled as if he’d heard something silly. Then he suddenly became serious.
“But you said you’ve never dated a guy? Have you dated girls?”
“Yeah. When I didn’t know I was gay.”
“When was that?”
“First year of middle school.”
“What? First year of middle school? You dated at such a young age?”
Joo Kwon-oh asked repeatedly, as if in disbelief. Unexpectedly cornered, I unconsciously hunched my shoulders.
“Y-you’ve dated a lot too.”
For me, it was just once. And even that was just walking to and from school together before breaking up.
But despite my explanation, Joo Kwon-oh’s expression didn’t soften.
“I had my first relationship after I turned 20.”
“…You? That’s a lie.”
“It’s true. I told you, I went to all-boys middle and high schools. How could I date in a place full of dark-haired boys?”
“……”
As I still looked at him skeptically, Joo Kwon-oh laughed dryly as if wronged.
“And around that time, my dad’s business went bankrupt, so I didn’t have time for dating.”
Ah, he did mention his family went bankrupt before… Then it’s not incomprehensible.
But it’s still suspicious. Honestly, whether it was an all-boys school or co-ed, there’s no way female students would have left someone as handsome as Joo Kwon-oh alone.
Besides, even if he really had his first relationship after turning 20, it’s not at all comforting.
I don’t know how many people he’s dated, but just the number of times I’ve seen him give his number to girls or flirt in front of me is countless. From 20 to 21 now, he could have dated more than ten times in these two years.
“You know how to glare at people too.”
“……”
“Why don’t you believe me?”
“No, it’s not that.”
“I told you, I don’t lie.”
No. You do know how to lie. I immediately rebutted in my mind.
“But why the pasta…”
“Ah, that! Please forget about it.”
Joo Kwon-oh pretended to tear at his hair, looking distressed. He seemed quite embarrassed about that topic. And he started to plead with me.
“Should I have said I couldn’t make pasta right there? I had to say I was good at it so you’d come over again later.”
“You’re really bold…”
To say ‘seduce’ so shamelessly.
When I retorted sulkily, Joo Kwon-oh shrugged one shoulder as if someone had tickled his ear, then ran his hand through his slightly curly hair. It was a very natural and impressive movement, like a video photoshoot. Is he already seducing me?
“Anyway. I’ll practice and do it properly for you.”
“……”
“You’ll come over for pasta, right? To my place.”
“You’re shameless.”
I ended up laughing along with him reluctantly. It was hard to maintain a calm expression. Who could refuse when he invites you for pasta with that face? And he even says he’ll practice.
If he asked me to come over twice, my heart might not survive.
Seeing my laughter, Joo Kwon-oh regained his composure.
“Then we’re dating.”
“How did it become that…”
“If we’re not dating. Were you planning to just come over, eat pasta, and leave?”
“Kwon-oh.”
“Yeah?”
How should I explain this?
I was happy beyond belief that Joo Kwon-oh was asking me to date him at this moment, but I was still very afraid.
But I couldn’t be completely honest about everything. Sometimes, excessive honesty can invite tragedy.
After hesitating, I chose a topic that I could confess as lightly as possible and opened my mouth. Of course, even this wasn’t an easy choice for me.
“As you probably know… to be honest, I’m… not the type who fits well in drinking gatherings like yesterday.”
“I won’t invite you next time.”
“My personality is boring too… Dull.”
When I muttered somewhat dejectedly, Joo Kwon-oh snorted.
“I can’t agree with that.”
“I’m not as outgoing as you.”
“Do only outgoing people have to date each other?”
“I-I’m not good at sports either. I’m bad at anything physical.”
“Physical stuff? You seemed to have potential in that area…”
“What… Hey.”
I blushed as I realized the meaning of ‘physical stuff’ Joo Kwon-oh was referring to. When I glared at him with force in my eyes, he grinned and raised both hands as if surrendering.
“Sorry, just kidding.”
I glanced at Joo Kwon-oh once more before continuing.
“I’m not good with words either.”
“……”
“And um. Lastly, I don’t understand why you… like me.”
Actually, more than fear, this bothered me the most. I don’t understand why Joo Kwon-oh likes me. It’s not like he originally liked men. What if he’s mistaking sexual desire for affection just because we slept together once?
But after saying it all, I felt a bit regretful. Did I sound too unconfident? What if he thinks I’m pathetic?
By now, Joo Kwon-oh might be a little disappointed with my boring and indecisive personality.
Because of such worries, I swallowed the words “it’s hard to trust you” without letting them out. I know that’s clearly my own inferiority complex.
“Ah. And I, I-I don’t dress well.”
I ended up stuttering, unable to hide my embarrassment completely.
I don’t enjoy going out and mostly stay cooped up in the studio, so I usually wear dull and dark clothes, or baggy hoodies with jeans that have no fit. I don’t know how to dress stylishly like Joo Kwon-oh.
“Don’t you have a mirror at your place?”
Joo Kwon-oh asked as if puzzled.
“You don’t need to dress well… Um. You stand out enough as it is.”
“Me?”
“Yeah. You’re fucking pretty.”
“…Don’t tease me.”
“I’m serious. That’s why you were cocky enough to date since first year of middle school.”
“……”
That’s… an unfounded assumption. If we asked someone who knows both Joo Kwon-oh and me who’s cockier, Joo Kwon-oh would definitely get all the votes. Without a doubt.
“But this sounds like ‘101 Reasons Why I Can’t Date Joo Kwon-oh’.”
“I’m not joking.”
“I’m listening seriously too. So, any more reasons why you can’t date me?”
