Chapter 83
On the day I rushed towards Ryu Jeong-ha with all my might, exploding with adrenaline, I finally succeeded in confirming his feelings.
Ryu Jeong-ha’s heart hadn’t changed. He still liked me!
Unlike me, who had run here without looking back, overwhelmed with excitement, Ryu Jeong-ha’s true feelings were calm and straightforward.
“At that time, I also… liked you.”
A confession that honestly and gently revealed his true feelings. It was just like Ryu Jeong-ha.
“Then we should date.”
While the blood in my body was rushing so fast I could barely control myself, Ryu Jeong-ha’s voice and tone remained composed.
“Let’s date, Ryu Jeong-ha.”
And just as Ryu Jeong-ha liked me despite our opposite natures, I liked that about him too.
But perhaps because we were too different, the words Ryu Jeong-ha began to say next completely missed my expectations.
“You probably know… to be honest, I’m… not the type who fits well in drinking gatherings like yesterday.”, “My personality is boring… dull.”, “I’m not as outgoing as you.”
Honestly, I felt dazed as if I’d been hit on the back of the head.
I thought all that was left was the ending of “And they dated happily ever after.” But Ryu Jeong-ha was looking in a completely opposite direction from me.
“I, I’m not good at sports. I’m not good at anything physical, really.”, “I’m not good with words.”, “And um. Lastly, I don’t understand why you… like me.”
So the point was this.
“I don’t think I can handle it.”
Ryu Jeong-ha says he can’t date me.
He can’t handle me? I never asked him to handle me. Why does Ryu Jeong-ha feel such an obligation?
What should I say? This situation wasn’t in my expectations.
I closed my mouth for a moment and fell into thought. My chaotic mind just wouldn’t settle.
But even in this situation, one thing was certain. After much consideration, I liked Ryu Jeong-ha who was carefully explaining to me the reasons why he couldn’t date me.
I liked that cautious side of you. I liked the purity that knows how to show itself as it is, without pretense.
In fact, everything Ryu Jeong-ha was saying was so trivial it could hardly be called a problem for me. But for Ryu Jeong-ha, it was a problem.
“So the conclusion is, I like you and you like me.”
“…”
“We are people who like each other.”
“Y-yes.”
“But there are still some issues, so it seems difficult to start dating right away, is that it?”
If we had exchanged confessions in a more fancy place than this childish playground, would I have been able to persuade Ryu Jeong-ha?
“We’ve come this far… I’m sorry.”
The conclusion is strange. It’s really strange. We like each other, but we can’t date.
Ryu Jeong-ha was calculating our relationship with a completely different formula from mine. A very serious and meticulous formula unique to Ryu Jeong-ha that I had never experienced before.
That’s when I realized. What’s nothing to me might be a really big deal to Ryu Jeong-ha.
“If you say no, I can’t push it just because I like you.”
I wanted to tell him that the personality differences we have aren’t as big a problem as he thinks. You’re just approaching this issue too complicatedly.
Being outgoing or not, liking drinking gatherings or not, liking sports or not being good at them. I wanted to convince him that these are differences that can be adjusted.
But even as I was saying this, I couldn’t rashly deny the frightened Ryu Jeong-ha. Although I couldn’t fully understand, I chose to accept his words of rejection for now. Before insisting on my way, I wanted to respect him. The Ryu Jeong-ha who is different from me.
Maybe when the day comes that I understand Ryu Jeong-ha’s formula, that’s when our relationship will truly begin. I had a vague feeling about that.
“Then how about we meet three times, Jeong-ha? We can decide whether to date or not after that.”
Come to think of it, Ryu Jeong-ha was my first heartbreak.
Although I barely managed to postpone the rejection by suggesting we meet three times, in the end, being rejected is being rejected.
My steps back home weren’t entirely light. I felt joy in confirming his feelings, but at the same time, I felt pain beyond that.
To me, who had lived by the simple standard of liking what I like and disliking what I dislike, Ryu Jeong-ha was a difficult-to-interpret mystery. And it didn’t stop there, he even made me directly experience these complex emotions.
To be happy and hurt at the same time. How can someone take you to heaven and suddenly dunk you in hell?
If it were me, I would never have made Ryu Jeong-ha feel that way.
Is this also a communication error that occurs because we’re too different?
*
Even after thinking hard for a long time, recalling the conversation we had at the playground that day, I failed to understand Ryu Jeong-ha. There was an enormous difference in our love languages.
I even worried that there might be no change even after meeting three times.
But the important thing is. I desperately want to understand Ryu Jeong-ha.
So I made tomato pasta for Ryu Jeong-ha as I had originally planned.
We also took the four-cut life photos I had set as a bucket list item.
We had a proper date-like date, even though we weren’t dating yet.
I visited Ryu Jeong-ha’s place where he lives alone.
We kissed. We had sex.
I honestly shared my own stories as honestly as Ryu Jeong-ha had been with me. Including vulnerabilities I had never shared with anyone before.
Our stories crossed paths, we got jealous. We cleared up misunderstandings and reconciled.
There were a few crises, but I eventually claimed the position of Ryu Jeong-ha’s boyfriend.
Dating Ryu Jeong-ha was an experience that shook my life to its roots. Before, school classes were separate, friends were separate, dating was separate. If they were classified into different categories, this time they all became bundled into one. In other words, my entire life fell into the ‘Ryu Jeong-ha’ category.
Even without intending to, I found myself considering Ryu Jeong-ha in everything I did. Whether I was exercising, taking exams, or meeting friends, everything felt related to Ryu Jeong-ha.
When eating, I’d think, “Would Ryu Jeong-ha like this?”
While studying, I’d fantasize, “It would have been fun if Ryu Jeong-ha was in the same department.”
When exercising, I’d wonder what Ryu Jeong-ha’s hobbies were.
No matter what I did, it all led back to Ryu Jeong-ha.
After the vacation started, I didn’t have to go to school anymore, so I could openly stick close to Ryu Jeong-ha.
My days were so packed with plans to hang out with Ryu Jeong-ha that I couldn’t even remember what I usually did in my daily life.
I really wanted to do nothing but date, but Ryu Jeong-ha had his part-time job and I had some minor department activities. The Business Administration Department had a lot of unnecessary gatherings even during vacation, so I had to allocate some time for that.
At those times, I usually set up appointments at the cafe across from where Ryu Jeong-ha worked.
Waiting while watching Ryu Jeong-ha, and taking care of appointments. It was killing two birds with one stone.
“Oh? Isn’t that kid someone you know? The one who came to the drinking party last time.”
Then, the sharp-eyed senior Lee Sung-rok recognized Ryu Jeong-ha who was out on the first floor of the opposite building. Hearing this, the classmate next to me also turned his head.
“Looks like he’s working part-time here.”
“Who is he? From our department?”
“No. I think he was from the Art Department.”
“Should we go say hello?”
At those words, I immediately shook my head.
“Why bother saying hello? Let’s not.”
“Is it a bit awkward?”
“Not just a bit, it’s completely awkward. Anyway, what did we decide to do for the festival next semester?”
I changed the subject, diverting people’s attention elsewhere. Who would have thought the senior would recognize Ryu Jeong-ha? Next time, I should just suggest meeting somewhere else.
Although I thought it wouldn’t matter to just say hello since Ryu Jeong-ha and senior Lee Sung-rok were acquainted anyway, I didn’t like the idea of showing his face to other guys unnecessarily.
As we talked for a while, quite some time passed. I was dissatisfied every time I glanced down and couldn’t see Ryu Jeong-ha.
Come out for a moment so I can see your face. How can you not come out even once in over an hour? As if that face isn’t expensive.
“I need a smoke.”
I checked that I had cigarettes in my pocket and went down.
Standing across from the accessory shop, I lit a cigarette and checked inside. Ryu Jeong-ha was busy cleaning the velvet display stands where accessories were placed.
His expression, with his mouth tightly shut in concentration, somehow seemed solemn. He was so cute I wanted to kidnap him and take him home right away.
If it weren’t for his part-time job, we would have had lunch at a restaurant I found in Seongsu-dong by now, taken a walk, and rolled around at home a few times. Tch.
I frowned as I looked at Ryu Jeong-ha through the glass window.
Turn your head this way, turn it.
I muttered that inwardly and stared intently for a few minutes. Finally, as if Ryu Jeong-ha had read my mind, he turned his head. And our eyes met.
Hi.
When I smiled with the cigarette in my mouth and mouthed the word, Ryu Jeong-ha opened his eyes wide as if surprised. Only after rolling his eyes full of wariness to check if there were people around did he say the same thing.
‘Hi.’
And then he smiled brightly, and that refreshing smile pierced my heart directly. It was as if a fresh fragrance was emanating from his faintly visible face.
Ugh, this is driving me crazy.
Why does my body itch like I have a rash whenever I just make eye contact with Ryu Jeong-ha? Do I have a peach allergy?
I chuckled at such silly thoughts. Unfortunately, Ryu Jeong-ha no longer looked my way as he was dealing with a customer.
I put out my cigarette and went back up to the cafe. As I was heading towards the department students, I suddenly noticed my wallet left on the table.
Ah. There’s a four-cut life photo of me and Ryu Jeong-ha in my wallet. I hope no one opened it?
“You’re back. Why did your smoke break take so long?”
“I had to take a phone call. Anyway, where were we in our discussion?”
I sat down, scanning the expressions of the chattering people.
