Chapter 105
I almost touched the notification appearing on the screen. I quickly moved my hand away and let out a sigh of relief.
But no sooner had I relaxed than Joo Kwon-oh started calling.
This time, I nearly dropped the phone as my hand slipped. After barely catching the falling phone, I quietly stared at Kwon-oh’s name displayed on it.
Why, why is he calling? What does he want to say? Has his anger subsided? Or is he calling to get angry?
“……”
While I was frozen, trying to gather my thoughts, the phone that had been vibrating for a while soon went quiet. A missed call notification had now appeared on the screen.
[Joo Kwon-oh: You’re not answering…]
[Joo Kwon-oh: Call me when you see this message]
Even as I checked the incoming KakaoTalk messages in the preview, I couldn’t bring myself to reply.
I wasn’t angry at him, but I kept recalling the Kwon-oh I saw last night, which made me feel strange.
Black short-sleeved shirt, wide-fit jeans, messy hair. The free-spirited Kwon-oh standing among his friends in casual attire.
In contrast, I had just been fumbling and rushing to hide myself even from my sister. Even the tiniest truth was a weakness I had to conceal.
I couldn’t shake off the feeling that Kwon-oh fit in much better where he was standing yesterday than by my side.
I don’t know what conversation he had with Lee Sung-rok sunbae, but judging by the unfollowing, it’s clear things didn’t resolve in a good way. And there’s no guarantee that people like Sung-rok sunbae won’t appear again in the future.
Every time that happens, I’ll have to hide, and Kwon-oh will be repeatedly disappointed in me for being honest.
So I thought it might be better for him if I let him go at this point. I had been wrestling with this thought since yesterday.
I nervously sighed and bit my lower lip.
After hesitating for a long time with the phone in front of me, I read the KakaoTalk messages Kwon-oh had sent. I slowly read through not only the messages he sent today but also our past conversations.
‘Is that easy for you?’
‘Afraid it might look strange?’
We clearly have more warm memories together, but I don’t know why the cold Kwon-oh remains more deeply etched in my mind.
It was just once, but I didn’t have the confidence to face that side of Kwon-oh again.
I didn’t want to experience again the cold fear I felt waiting for Kwon-oh in the corridor of the apartment building, nor did I want to repeat slowly killing my expectations while looking at the dark, empty alley after work.
Above all, I was most afraid of myself, who would disappoint Kwon-oh with repeated cowardly choices.
I was too weak to face those things again.
“……”
Slowly organizing my thoughts, I typed a message to send to Kwon-oh.
[Me: Kwon-oh. Did you sleep well? I’ve been thinking for a long time.. I think it’s right for us to break up. If we date, we have to keep hiding our relationship from people around us.. and inevitably lie. I didn’t know it would hurt you. But I’m not as honest as you.. I don’t want to hurt you again when something similar happens in the future. Still, it was my fault for telling you to go on blind dates. I’m sorry. My personality must have been very frustrating, but thank you for being considerate all this time. Take care]
For some reason, while writing this long message, I recalled the moment months ago when I sent Kwon-oh a KakaoTalk message discussing where to kiss.
I’m much more nervous and my heart is pounding harder now than back then. With each character I write, I feel nauseous around my solar plexus, as if I’m getting motion sickness.
As soon as I finished writing and sent the KakaoTalk message, I turned off my phone. If I kept it on, I felt like I wouldn’t be able to do anything else, constantly checking if Kwon-oh had read the message.
I didn’t want to spend all day anxiously wondering how he would react. I had already concluded that letting Kwon-oh go was undoubtedly the better direction for him.
Tears kept coming pathetically. Even when I tried to shake them off, memories of the times with Kwon-oh over the semester filled my head to the point of dizziness.
The time he first caught me with the notebook, our first kiss in the storage room, the moment he discovered the confession written in the notebook, the tingling feeling of waiting for his KakaoTalk reply while listening to the song he recommended…
Each piece of memory was still so vivid and thrilling. I still like Kwon-oh so much that I don’t know what to do, but even so, we had to end it here. Because of my inadequacies.
From the beginning, he was too good for me, and I knew I wouldn’t be able to handle it.
So, ironically, because I liked Kwon-oh too much, I sometimes imagined a breakup, wondering if such a moment would come someday.
“Hey, Ryu Jeong-ha. Mom says come out and eat an apple.”
My sister knocked on the door, calling me. I was lying on the bed, crying quietly, and I roughly wiped my wet eyes with the back of my hand.
“I’ll come out in a bit.”
“Come out now. Mom says eating apples in the evening is poisonous. Hurry and eat before evening.”
“…I’ll be out soon.”
With no choice, I carefully wiped my wet cheeks with a tissue. Then, a few minutes later, I went out of the room pretending nothing had happened.
Mom and my sister were sitting on the living room sofa watching TV. I awkwardly took a seat at the very end of the sofa.
Mom handed me a plate of sliced apples.
“Is your sister attending school well these days? Oh, is it vacation?”
I asked my sister while picking up an apple slice with a fork.
“Hey. Don’t ask a graduate student such questions…”
“Ah, sorry…”
“Graduate students are the masters, the masters. You don’t even study.”
Mom said mockingly as she put an apple slice in her mouth.
“If I had known you were coming home this early, I would have gone out to buy some snacks.”
“We can just eat what’s at home, why go shopping again? Ryu Jeong-ha is the real master here.”
“Hey, Jeong-ah. Look how skinny he’s gotten. Living alone, do you think he properly cooks meals for himself?”
“I guess not.”
“No, I do cook for myself at home.”
I hurriedly explained, but Mom didn’t seem to believe me at all.
“An boy who says he cooks, but look at his face. You’ve lost so much weight. Now that you’re here, eat lots of good food before you go.”
“Yeah, it’s strange. Don’t people usually gain weight when they’re in a relationship…?”
“It’s, it’s not like that.”
As soon as I said it, I realized my mistake. I had denied it unconsciously again. This could have been something I could have just let pass…
As I was blaming myself for overreacting unnecessarily, I remembered that I had just sent a breakup message to Kwon-oh.
…Since I said let’s break up, it’s true that I’m not in a relationship now.
As a result, this time I ended up telling the truth to my sister. Even if it was by chance.
I bit into an apple, trying to hold back tears that were threatening to fall again.
*
The next day. I woke up early because Mom woke me up to eat breakfast.
Having gotten used to sleeping in all summer, it was now a struggle to wake up early like today. Moreover, after eating out with family last night and binge-watching Netflix with my sister until late, I had fallen asleep in the early morning again.
“Ryu Jeong-ha, don’t nibble, eat more.”
“I am eating, why.”
“That’s why you’re not gaining weight. And why are your eyes so puffy?”
“Mom, he stayed up late watching Netflix with me yesterday.”
“Aish, these kids. You should live regularly. If you get into the habit of sleeping late and waking up late because you’re not going to school, it’ll be hard to adjust when you start working in society later.”
“Why the nagging so early in the morning?”
“Be quiet, Ryu Jeong-ah. Dad thinks everything Mom says is right.”
“Tch.”
Still, it was nice to sit around and have breakfast with family after a long time. No time to think about Kwon-oh either. I was even considering staying at home a bit longer.
It was obvious that if I returned to my apartment, I’d be pathetically sniffling alone in my room all day.
“Jeong-ha, is today your part-time job day?”
“Yeah.”
“You’re so stubborn, really. Have you been working part-time all summer?”
“You said you wouldn’t give me pocket money.”
I grumbled, not hiding my rebelliousness.
“I thought you’d come home if I said I wouldn’t give you any. How are you managing dinner? Should I pack you a lunchbox?”
“What lunchbox? Leave him alone, Mom. He’s old enough to earn money on his own.”
“You mind your own business, Ryu Jeong-ah.”
“Why? Mom always takes Jeong-ha’s side.”
“You try speaking nicely first.”
Come to think of it, the distance to my part-time job from home and from my apartment was similar.
If that’s the case, it might be better to stay at home longer. Even this bustling atmosphere that I would normally hate was somewhat bearable now. It was better than being alone ruminating over the breakup.
“Thanks for the meal.”
“You’ll come back home after your part-time job later, right?”
“Yeah.”
I finished eating and returned to my room. Then I noticed the phone placed on the desk.
I had kept my phone turned off since sending the KakaoTalk message to Kwon-oh yesterday.
I wonder what kind of reply he sent to my breakup message.
If he agrees without resistance… it might be a bit bitter. I don’t know what I’m doing, saying we should break up first.
Thinking that it’s really over with Kwon-oh, tears welled up again.
I hesitated before turning on my phone. As soon as it powered on, KakaoTalk messages and missed call notifications started pouring in.
Most were from Kwon-oh, with my part-time job boss interspersed between.
“Why did the boss call…”
It was unusual as we rarely contact each other, so I wondered if something had happened at the store.
Resisting the urge to check the KakaoTalk chat first, I tapped on the missed call from the boss.
As soon as I dialed, the boss picked up immediately before the dial tone could even ring.
—Hello.
“Boss, it’s me.”
—Ah. Your phone was turned off?
“Yesterday… the battery died and it turned off, and I just checked my phone now.”
—You didn’t see the KakaoTalk I sent?
“Not yet. Did something happen?”
The boss’s voice was so serious that I became worried too, wondering if another large order had come in.
—Your friend came to the store yesterday.
“Friend?”
—What was his name, Kwon-oh or something?
