Chapter 102
I wanted to explain my emotions and the situation that I couldn’t fully express earlier in more detail over the phone, along with an apology. I was too flustered before.
What if he doesn’t answer? While the dial tone was ringing, I pressed my lower lip with my upper teeth and strained my ears. Fortunately, Joo Kwon-oh answered the phone shortly after.
—Jeong-ha.
“Hello. Kwon-oh, where are you? Are you on your way home?”
—Why did you call?
“I have something to say… Ah, earlier I was too flustered… I don’t think I spoke properly.”
I spoke as quickly as possible, fearing Joo Kwon-oh might hang up. Hoping my tongue wouldn’t get tied this time.
“I’m sorry. I’m really sorry for saying strange things to the senior. For saying you should go on a blind date, for saying such stupid things… Just everything.”
I could feel the bus passengers glancing at me as I blurted out words incoherently, but I had no time to care about that now.
Gripping the phone tightly, I desperately tried to convey my feelings.
“What I said to the senior about us being nothing… It wasn’t something I said lightly or easily. At that time, I, I was just thinking about not wanting you to be negatively affected because of me…”
—Jeong-ha. I’m not in the mood to talk more right now.
Joo Kwon-oh cut me off before I could finish explaining. His voice had softened a bit compared to when we were facing each other in the park, but it was still brusque enough to make my chest sting compared to usual.
“Kwon-oh.”
—Let’s talk about this later.
“Wh-when is later?”
Joo Kwon-oh didn’t answer. There was silence for a few seconds.
—I’m sorry I couldn’t take you home. I’ll contact you again.
“Kwon-oh, wait. Please listen to me…!”
In the end, the call was disconnected.
I stared blankly at the phone screen.
A while later. My face was reflected in the black screen. Anyone could see the desperate expression with my brows deeply furrowed.
I felt depressed, thinking none of my true feelings had been conveyed to Joo Kwon-oh. I hesitated to call again, but changed my mind for fear of being rejected again.
Then I sat in an empty seat on the bus to organize my thoughts. As soon as I leaned back, the strength in my legs drained instantly as if I had collapsed.
“…”
The current situation felt surreal. We were fine until just a moment ago. Everything went wrong in an instant. The whole day of enjoying a date with Joo Kwon-oh felt like a dream.
How should I apologize to make Joo Kwon-oh’s anger subside?
I was confused because it was the first time Joo Kwon-oh had unilaterally hung up on me. And for him to look at me with such a cold expression…
Seeing so many new sides of Joo Kwon-oh today, I finally realized how foolish I had been.
After getting off the bus, I headed straight for Joo Kwon-oh’s apartment. Since he left earlier than me, he’s probably already arrived home.
“Kwon-oh. Come out for a moment. Let’s talk.”
I pressed the doorbell and knocked on the door without thinking.
“Are you inside? It’ll really just take a moment…”
When there was no response, I tried raising my voice.
“Please… It won’t take much time. Okay?”
I pressed the doorbell a few more times, but the door that always opened wide when I stood in front of it remained firmly closed and silent.
I could have entered directly by unlocking the door since I knew the passcode, but after our argument earlier, I didn’t have the courage to enter the room without permission.
I stood in front of the door hesitating, then called Joo Kwon-oh again. However, this time I heard a voice message saying the phone was turned off.
“Ah.”
This is bad. He must be really angry.
Shocked, I froze holding the phone until I heard the guidance that it would connect to voicemail.
…I shouldn’t have spoken up. How did it come to this?
I should have pretended not to know when senior Lee Sung-rok first provoked me…
Come to think of it, even if I had denied our relationship to the senior, nothing would have changed in the end. No matter what I said there, the senior would have continued to see and believe only what he wanted to.
I tried to change that situation and only ended up disappointing Joo Kwon-oh. And breaking his trust…
I stared at the closed door and then crouched down in a corner of the corridor stairs.
I decided to wait a little longer in case Joo Kwon-oh hadn’t returned home yet.
Waiting for your partner in front of their home is portrayed as very romantic in dramas and movies, but reality was different. I had to be conscious of the glances from passersby, and while being mindful of others, I had to keep mulling over the ominous thoughts that kept flooding in.
Moreover, I even wondered if he might be inside pretending not to be home.
I really hope that’s not the case. I want to keep calling until he answers to check where he is, but I didn’t have the courage to do so. If I heard that cold voice again telling me to go back, I felt like I would crumble.
So I decided to keep waiting in front of his home. If he’s inside, he might open the door as time passes and his anger subsides. And if he’s still out, I’ll run into him here when he comes home.
‘I hate it more when you say pitiful things to other guys.’
‘So. Did you say we’re not dating?’
‘Is that. Easy for you?’
As I sat quietly, Joo Kwon-oh’s words kept replaying endlessly in my memory.
As long as we’re dating, more people besides senior Lee Sung-rok will come to know about our relationship. How will Joo Kwon-oh react each time? And how does he want me to handle it?
Should I proudly acknowledge it every time I’m asked such questions? Is that possible?
While I understood Joo Kwon-oh’s anger at my easy denial of our relationship, I felt frustrated not knowing what he actually wanted.
The only answer I still knew was one: To continue attending school and blend into this society smoothly, we shouldn’t affirm that we’re dating as two men.
But…
‘That’s right. He seems to be dating these days?’
‘I heard he was bragging non-stop at a drinking party recently about how his girlfriend looks like a peach?’
Looking back, Joo Kwon-oh didn’t openly say he was dating me, but he didn’t lie to people around him either. Unlike me who just tried to hide it, he proudly said he was seeing someone.
‘I’m still pursuing her.’
‘Did you confess?’
‘Yeah.’
Even at the drinking party before we started dating, he clearly said he had someone he liked.
Unlike me who was desperately trying to hide it, he was always honest. Maybe this was the biggest difference between him and me, and the fundamental problem in our relationship.
But I can’t become an honest personality like him. Even if I try, there will be limits…
Then should we fight every time something like this happens? I don’t want to experience any more conflict than this… I was afraid to face his angry expression again.
If days like today keep piling up, someday Joo Kwon-oh might raise his voice saying he can’t stand the sight of me.
I was getting scared of things that hadn’t even happened yet.
Because Joo Kwon-oh had no reason to date a man.
He was originally someone who didn’t need to unnaturally hide anything. For him who had always dated women, he probably didn’t feel the need to hide, so he must have felt especially repulsed by my behavior.
What is Joo Kwon-oh thinking now? Is he regretting dating me a little…?
I sighed, hugging my knees.
I waited in front of his apartment for over three hours, but Joo Kwon-oh never showed up. There were no calls or KakaoTalk messages either.
When it got completely dark, I couldn’t hold out any longer and had to return to my own apartment.
*
The next day. The repetitive vibration of my phone woke me from a light sleep.
Since I had slept with my phone by my pillow, I quickly opened my eyes and checked the caller.
I thought it was Joo Kwon-oh, but completely different letters were on the screen from what I expected.
—Ryu Jeong-ha. How can you not come home even once when the vacation is almost over? Is this why you said you wanted to live alone?
It was my mom.
“…I was busy. I’ll come soon.”
I mumbled, unable to hide my disappointment. Mom seemed really angry, as she wasn’t satisfied even when I said I’d come soon.
—How many times have you said that now? Make time to drop by this week so we can at least have a family meal. Understand?
“Yeah.”
—Are you eating properly?
“Yeah.”
—If you’re eating well, why does your voice sound like that? You have no energy at all.
“It’s because I just woke up. Is everything okay with you, Mom?”
—Everything’s the same as always. If you don’t come home, Mom might end up bringing side dishes to your apartment.
“Ah, no. Okay. I’ll come, isn’t that enough?”
Mom coming to my apartment was one of the things I feared most. Because I couldn’t escape anywhere and had to listen to her nagging for hours.
Sensing she might really barge in if I keep putting it off, I promised several times to make time to visit home before the semester starts, then ended the call.
After hanging up, sleep completely left me.
