#106
Ki Baek-woo was lost.
When he closed his eyes, everything felt as if it had never happened. Nothing seemed to have changed, and he could hear someone moving around beyond the wall. A familiar presence. Ah, it’s Han-sol hyung. Like a dog that can distinguish its owner’s footsteps, Ki Baek-woo could distinguish Lee Han-sol. So it was all a dream, he thought.
This is the scariest nightmare I’ve ever had. Hyung trying to abandon me, and me throwing a tantrum like a crazy person because I didn’t want that. Horrible. I’ve been desperately trying to hide it all this time. How disgusting and repulsive a human I am, I tried so hard to never let hyung find out… For all that effort to be ruined so quickly. Struggling and clinging, begging him not to go, exposing everything about myself. That’s why hyung finally abandoned me and left. Because I showed him such an ugly side. I’m glad it was just a dream. From now on, I need to be more thorough, keep myself in check so something so disturbing never happens…
But when he opened his eyes, it all became reality again. It had already happened and become Ki Baek-woo’s current reality. He felt pain, and his surroundings were cold. Beyond the room, no, nowhere could he sense Lee Han-sol’s presence.
The feeling of being newly abandoned ambushed Ki Baek-woo. Despite having already been abandoned, he experienced unfamiliar and fresh pain each time, cycling between delusion and realization. It felt like sharpened air tearing through his flesh. He wanted it to stop. He couldn’t distinguish whether closing his eyes was harder, or opening them. Ki Baek-woo simply couldn’t get used to either. Though it was clearly happening to him, he stood frozen before a reality that felt like someone else’s. Like a broken toy, he didn’t move.
‘Baek-woo, if you ever get lost while walking, don’t go anywhere and stay right there. No matter what happens, you shouldn’t go far away and must hide around that area. If you go somewhere else, hyung might not be able to find you. If you stay there quietly, hyung will definitely come to get you. Understand?’
Once upon a time, Lee Han-sol had held young Ki Baek-woo and said those words. ‘Understand? Our Baek-woo, promise hyung,’ he had said, extending his pinky finger that had been scraped somewhere. ‘Yes, I promise.’ Back then, Ki Baek-woo had answered obediently, like the gentlest child in the world.
If he stayed still anywhere, hyung would come find him. That was the most enchanting thing Ki Baek-woo had ever heard. Even if nothing else in the world came true, he desperately wished for that one thing to be real. From that time until he grew up to become the Ki Baek-woo of today, he had always kept those words in his heart.
So if I stay still like this, he’ll come eventually. In the end, hyung will come find me and take me with him…
That’s why Ki Baek-woo did nothing, didn’t move anywhere, and remained in that place and moment where Lee Han-sol had left him. Because hyung had promised he would definitely come back for him. Ki Baek-woo believed Lee Han-sol.
‘I’m not going anywhere, absolutely not. I’ll just stay at home.’
‘…Really?’
‘I’ll stick right here and just wait for you. Promise!’
Even though Lee Han-sol had already cruelly broken the promise they’d made with linked pinkies—that he wouldn’t go anywhere, that he would wait for Ki Baek-woo here. Even though he had turned his back, pretending to forget all the countless repeated vows that they would be together forever, that his love would never change. Ki Baek-woo still believed in that old, faded promise. He wanted to believe.
Ki Baek-woo had been lying face down on the sofa since returning from the raid. That day when he had hurriedly returned home without even changing out of his combat uniform, Ki Baek-woo realized through all his senses that he had been abandoned by Lee Han-sol. The cool smell unique to a house left empty for days, the deathly silence as if a mouse had died, the interior wrecked like post-war ruins, and broken objects tripping his feet with every step… Even while clearly knowing Lee Han-sol wasn’t there, Ki Baek-woo looked around the house as if denying reality.
“Hyung…?”
Ki Baek-woo repeatedly called out “hyung” as if Lee Han-sol might appear even though he wasn’t there, as if he was somewhere in the house. He looked at the living room, the bedroom, the kitchen.
Dried blood was splattered across the kitchen floor. Seeing the broken glass pieces scattered around, Ki Baek-woo thought that Lee Han-sol must have stepped on them. And with his feet injured from stepping on that, he had still managed to leave our home, to leave me, he thought. Ki Baek-woo stared at the bloodstains for a long time with lifeless eyes, then finally turned away and headed to the small room.
“Huh…?”
Upturned drawers, torn clothes. Among them, he saw scraps of paper scattered around. Huh? Ki Baek-woo moaned in a metallic voice. Though he had seemed barely able to move, drained of all strength and soul, he suddenly rushed inside urgently. Uh, this, mine, uh. Ki Baek-woo’s lips quivered like a fish out of water. Strained sounds leaked out one syllable at a time. Familiar objects strewn like garbage throughout the messy room. Cheap colored paper with an old-fashioned design, broken and scattered colored pencils, small toys… notebooks and photos.
“My things….”
These are mine, this can’t be happening, these are my things…. With his face pale from shock, Ki Baek-woo fumbled around the room. He crawled around urgently like a cockroach, picking up the discarded items.
“Hyung, this, this is, these are mine….”
Hyung gave these to me. Hyung gave them to me. They’re mine, they’re mine, what am I supposed to do now…
Ki Baek-woo rubbed his palm hard over the crumpled colored paper, trying to smooth it out. He gathered the torn papers, searching for matching pieces. After piecing together a few fragments that had been torn into tiny pieces as if to prevent them from ever being reassembled, he saw the words “How to Make Kimchi Stew” written on them, making it difficult to breathe.
These were Ki Baek-woo’s treasures. They were proof of Lee Han-sol’s affection for Ki Baek-woo. Luxuries that Han-sol would bring from somewhere for Ki Baek-woo even in moments when tomorrow wasn’t guaranteed. Han-sol was young too, and he probably wanted to play with useless things, yet he always placed them in Ki Baek-woo’s hands… Tokens of Han-sol’s attention and goodwill.
Ki Baek-woo didn’t want these wonderful things to wear out. Too precious to use, he had collected them with the utmost care. He hid them in the deepest part of his bag and made sure no one touched them. Lee Han-sol knew how much Ki Baek-woo cherished these things.
‘Why do you carry such things around? They’re all worn out.’
Though Lee Han-sol, with his indifferent side, would say such things casually and treat Ki Baek-woo like a funny person, he still knew those were his most precious possessions and never tried to touch them carelessly. To tell the truth, Lee Han-sol simply had no interest in Ki Baek-woo’s treasure box… But either way, what mattered was that now Han-sol had destroyed all of these things.
Hyung, please. Hyung, I was wrong. Hyung, don’t go this far. Not this far… These are what you gave me… Please…
Ki Baek-woo hastily gathered his things. No matter how hard he rubbed, the creases in the colored paper wouldn’t disappear. It looked just like himself after being abandoned by Lee Han-sol, so Ki Baek-woo whimpered, holding the paper almost pleadingly, “Please, please…” “Why won’t it work, please…!” His tearful sobs broke out in fragments—ugh, urk, hic.
When he discovered part of a photo of the two of them from childhood, Ki Baek-woo could no longer even make a sound of suffering. He felt like an old man who had lost his entire fortune. From the far end, the world’s lights were going out one by one as darkness approached. At that moment, Ki Baek-woo realized everything. So clearly and distinctly that he couldn’t even make hypothetical statements using “but” or “however” anymore.
Hyung… doesn’t want to leave anything with me. He wants to erase it all.
“Do you hate me remembering you too…?”
So you destroyed all my things? Did you hate me having even a trace of you? You wanted to take everything away from me. Hyung, then… do you really not like me even a little bit anymore?
I know, I know I’m a filthy bastard, I understand I’m a horrible person who’s impossible to love, I hate myself too, but do you hate me remembering you? You won’t allow even that? Do you hate me, hate us, so much that you’d tear up our only childhood photo?
If that was the case, Ki Baek-woo thought, it would have been better to just kill him immediately. If Lee Han-sol had sincerely said he wanted to kill him, he would have willingly offered his neck. That would have been simple. Since he went this far instead of simply killing him, maybe Lee Han-sol wanted him to suffer because he hated him, the thought continued. What little strength he had left drained away. Ki Baek-woo stumbled out of the small room as if already unconscious. He came to the living room and barely managed to collapse onto the sofa.
He remained motionless for days in his dirty combat uniform. He called Lee Han-sol, heard the non-existent number message, and weakly dropped his arm under the sofa, repeating this until his phone battery died. He did nothing else.
‘Why am I this kind of person?’
Why am I so horrible? If even Han-sol hyung, the kindest person in the world, is this desperate to get away from me, how disgusting, dirty, and insufferable a creature must I be? Self-loathing rippled inside Ki Baek-woo, reeking. That sewage-like feeling inflated Ki Baek-woo’s mind like a water balloon. Lee Han-sol had left Ki Baek-woo like a survivor fleeing a monster’s lair. He had damaged many things so Ki Baek-woo couldn’t remember him, and changed his contact information as if trying to leave no possibility, resolutely hiding somewhere as if he would never meet Ki Baek-woo again, as if that was worse than death.
So what can I do now?
What can I do… Because Ki Baek-woo didn’t know anything, he just lay there until his skin festered.
Ki Baek-woo didn’t clean up the house Lee Han-sol had left in chaos. Broken cups, torn cushions, a space like a garbage can with nothing in its place. Since that too was a trace of Lee Han-sol, Ki Baek-woo decided to cherish this chaos as well. Even if the meaning of this scene was the end of affection rather than affection itself, Ki Baek-woo could no longer choose to have Lee Han-sol. Even if Lee Han-sol came to kill him, he should be thankful to God even for that.
If he would show his face that way. If I could meet him… Hyung, please just kill me. As long as you exist in this world, I cannot kill myself.
If hyung is here… I can’t do that…
Ki Baek-woo stayed sprawled on the sofa like that, then sprawled on the bed, and later curled up on the kitchen floor. He faced Lee Han-sol’s dried bloodstains. He repeated this for days. He didn’t eat, and except for occasionally washing, he did nothing. He couldn’t sleep properly either. The moment he fell asleep, he dreamed.
Dreams.
Dreams that Ki Baek-woo had begun having from the moment he became certain that Lee Han-sol no longer loved him. At some point, Ki Baek-woo’s inability to sleep was entirely because of that.
In the dreams, Lee Han-sol kept dying.
