Delusive Fate

#117

Note: This chapter contains detailed descriptions of suicide, self-harm, and trauma that may be triggering. Please proceed with caution.

But I can’t really imagine myself doing it to Han-sol. I’ve never seen his butt. I’ve never seen him naked from behind. I haven’t seen that, damn it! So when I felt bad, I’d sometimes pull back by thinking about your shattered head on the ground. Ah, the beautiful head. A testament to love, the remnants of love! That’s what I thought it was back then. So it was bearable.

But your fragmented body, what else is there? That was all you were. Dying from missing Lee Han-sol. Not being able to live without Han-sol. I know, the inadequate bastards out there are empty-headed idiots who can’t even do that much. You’re someone who knows how to love, in your own way. But, so what?

I realized it. You love Han-sol but that’s where it ends. You ultimately can’t do anything for Han-sol! Han-sol is different, because he has a sublimity beyond simply dying. His death teaches me about love and leaves hope. He saved pitiful me who had begun to doubt love like common vermin on the street. He’s the only hope in this world who pulled me out from the bottom of the cliff. Finally, the great god who will save me from this insufferable hell…!

The only god who will kill me!

Jung Yi-dam shouted continuously like a madman. He denounced Ki Baek-woo with hatred. His eyes flashed with hunger like a hunting beast. Baek-woo becomes the prey standing before him. Overwhelmed by the rushing reality, he just pitifully, barely pants.

What is this noise? What is all this noise? Unable to bear it, Baek-woo strikes his own cheek. He strikes the other side again. Again. Once more. One more time, continuously…!

Yi-dam mocked Baek-woo as he floundered in panic. Then he went to the kitchen and returned holding one well-sharpened premium knife in each hand. He sits comfortably, burying his back in the single-person sofa. Looking at Baek-woo with emotionless eyes, he says:

‘You need it, right? I’ll lend you one.’

Yi-dam throws one knife in front of Baek-woo’s knees, as if giving charity. Like a prophet, as if he already knew that Baek-woo’s body was burning with the desire to die right now. The prophecy was not wrong, as Baek-woo’s hand hastily picked up the knife. Yi-dam leisurely crossed his legs.

‘It’s about time to completely end this round too. You didn’t do anything, the ending and after the ending remained unchanged, and my Han-sol was still the same as always… Anyway, when you close your eyes and open them again, he’ll be sleeping prettily in front of you as always. Like Snow White, or Sleeping Beauty…’

Baek-woo can’t properly hear what Yi-dam is saying. Blood is already flowing abundantly in the unfamiliar house, unfamiliar living room where he and Yi-dam are. A red puddle starting from Baek-woo. He stabbed the vital spot in his neck at once. Blood flowed uncontrollably from the severed blood vessel, and he was dying instantly. With such a Baek-woo at his feet, Yi-dam continued his final words.

‘I know you’ll forget everything again this time. But just in case, let me tell you, this time please at least try to overcome this fucking system. If you’re human, make an effort to break out of the input values. Got it?’

Yi-dam raises his hand holding the knife.

‘As promised, I’ll save Han-sol.’

And end. Everything turns black in front of his eyes, as if the lights went out.

That scene passed through Baek-woo’s unconscious mind over and over again.

Each time, Yi-dam looked at Baek-woo with scathing hatred. He told him to make an effort in a voice full of contempt. System. Input values. He pushed Baek-woo, telling him to show sincere effort to overcome such unnatural things. And then Baek-woo dies, Yi-dam dies, end again.

A repetition of everything.

‘…’

Baek-woo finally accepted this absurd truth. Time is repeating. Something is controlling me. As that unpleasant bastard Yi-dam said, I’ve never overcome it so far. That’s why hyung Han-sol died. Han-sol hyung really died. In exactly the same terrible scenes that haunted my dreams, that I was forced to face every time I fell asleep, hyung, over and over again. Because I couldn’t remember anything.

Because I,

couldn’t remember…

The moment he thought that, beeeep, a strange mechanical sound pierced through his brain. A blue screen faintly appeared in Baek-woo’s dark, distant unconsciousness.

Error: Version Mismatch

A data file from a previous version has been detected. Please update to the latest version.

As if errors were occurring one after another, another notification window appeared above the blue box.

Error: Database Failure

Cannot proceed due to database error. Please contact customer support.

His vision shakes. His consciousness split as if shattering into pieces. Inside his head, everything turned red, then white, then black, repeatedly. A strange sensation like waking from a long sleep dominated Baek-woo.

‘Doctor, Hunter Ki’s pulse is detected again…!’

‘What? It’s hemorrhagic shock, how is this possible, no, first bring more whole blood!’

‘Kim, bring that cart here! No, the one next to it!’

The murmuring noise sounded like the fluttering of insect wings, crackle. The noise slowly faded away. And again beeeep, the mechanical sound rang out.

System Error!

A critxxax xrxxor in Databaxe Fixe has bexn ocxuxred and txe xrxgram must be xxxxxxxx.

errorCode: (-46)(30)

And Baek-woo opened his eyes. In a terrible reality that pressed upon him as if to burst him.

Baek-woo didn’t want to do anything. He felt devastated to be alive. He couldn’t understand anything, but only one thing became clear.

All the scenes of Han-sol that had been torturing him had already happened. Baek-woo had to accept the truth.

***

It took a long time for Baek-woo to recover enough to carry out daily activities. He was an S-class Awakened with excellent physical condition and a young man with good recovery abilities. Nevertheless, the delay in treatment was entirely Baek-woo’s fault. He was a difficult patient to handle.

Baek-woo acted as he pleased. He didn’t say anything and caused troubles without any regularity, as if having seizures. He would be as quiet as a mouse and then change to be frighteningly aggressive. As if desperate to kill himself, he attacked himself. It seemed like he was punishing himself. He appeared unable to accept that his broken body was recovering. He refused treatment with almost obsessive determination and still didn’t want to eat anything.

News that S-class Baek-woo had fallen apart spread quickly. Both the Center and the community were in turmoil because of Baek-woo. Useless rumors were created, and soon the rumor that Baek-woo actually had only 3 months left to live was taken as fact. Regardless, opinions mixed between complaints that an S-class should fulfill their duties properly and that no one wanted to be on the same team as Baek-woo since he would only cause harm in his current state, and public opinion soon became confused.

Even amid all this, Yi-dam was occasionally mentioned, and sometimes Han-sol was referred to as “that C-class.” Most were worthless delusions and nonsense. The closest thing to the truth was the story that the C-class who had squeezed into living in Zone A had disappeared somewhere, leaving Baek-woo behind. Of course, that rumor had already been spreading secretly even before Baek-woo tried to kill himself.

Sedatives were prescribed for Baek-woo. The Center put all its efforts into caring for the important S-class Hunter and called in famous psychological counselors and psychiatrists. But since Baek-woo refused to speak, therapeutic effects were difficult to achieve. In front of experts who persistently tried to form rapport, Baek-woo tore open the wound on his bandaged right arm as if to show it off. He carelessly kneaded the oozing wound and whispered just one sentence.

“I need to suffer as much as hyung did.”

After barely whispering words that people who knew nothing couldn’t understand, Baek-woo looked at his wrist with its vivid surgical scar with gloomy eyes. This isn’t enough to be forgiven, he continued inwardly where no one could hear. For such a Baek-woo, all the experts could do was prescribe typical sedatives and antidepressants. Of course, since Baek-woo was a disobedient patient who refused even antibiotics, he wasn’t going to become docile by taking them.

As always, incidents happen suddenly on some day.

The Recovery Team simply wanted to treat Baek-woo. Though they couldn’t know how Baek-woo’s mind was festering, their intention was to at least perfectly heal his external wounds. They just thought for Baek-woo’s sake that this would reduce his deliberate self-harm and reopening of wounds. Calling Yi-dam and bringing him before Baek-woo was all for this reason.

“For Hunter Ki, we’ve finally brought in our Center’s super special doctor. I pulled some strings as team leader.”

Jung Yi-dam was the world’s only S-class healing Awakened, and S-class power was extraordinary. In fact, if Yi-dam had been there the very day Baek-woo was brought in, the situation would have been resolved instantly without much fuss. Then there wouldn’t even be a scar left on Baek-woo’s wrist. The reason this couldn’t happen was that Yi-dam, who had been wandering around at will just like Baek-woo, had unfortunately participated in a raid that day and was absent.

When news came that Yi-dam’s raid schedule had ended, Recovery Team 1 Leader Hwang Ji-young hurriedly sent a call.

‘We’ve been waiting for your raid to end. Please come quickly and treat our precious one, O Hua Tuo, Hippocrates, and Asclepius!’

And Yi-dam came. His calm and kind attitude subtly changed at some point, making him feel somehow unsettling, and Team Leader Ji-young, along with the attending physician and a few staff members, boldly headed to Baek-woo’s hospital room with Yi-dam in tow.

“Well, no need for introductions, right? You’ve probably seen each other in the field more often than I have as Recovery Team staff. So, super special doctor, please exchange greetings. Over there is our Recovery Team 1’s nightmare, the man with ten lives who’s crazy to die, the terribly terrible terrible one, Hunter Ki Baek-woo.”

“It’s been a while, Hunter Ki.”

Yi-dam greeted normally, and Baek-woo didn’t respond as usual. He simply broke the potted plant placed on the bedside table before anyone could stop him.

Then he took a sharply broken ceramic fragment and stabbed it down into his thigh. The fragment dug into the firm thigh flesh. The patient gown around it slowly became soaked with blood. Baek-woo pulled out the fragment. People stared blankly at the scene that unfolded in an instant.

Ignoring them, Baek-woo stabbed his thigh again. Squelch, squish. Such sounds were made each time Baek-woo’s arm moved.

“Hunter Ki Baek-woo, what are you doing… Aaaagh!”

“What are you all just watching for! Go grab that madman! Restrain him so he can’t move!”

The hospital room quickly became chaotic. Team Leader Ji-young and the attending physician rushed in to grab Baek-woo’s arms. Baek-woo spoke calmly without changing his expression. No, it’s different from being calm. Baek-woo spoke in a blind and persistent voice, as if focused on something he absolutely had to do.

“Let go.”

“Hunter Ki, why are you suddenly like this! Come to your senses, that’s Healer Jung Yi-dam! You know each other, don’t do this!”

“I said let go.”

“Lee, sedative! Bring the syringe and sedative quickly for IV, hurry…! Hunter Ki, please calm down and come to your senses!”

“Let go! I’m doing this to come to my senses, so let go…!”

I’m doing this to come to my senses, I’m doing this to stay sane, let go! Please let go, please let me go, can’t you let this go? I’m doing this to survive, please, let this go…!