#127
“I’m asking… why you’re here…”
Ki Baek-woo is looking up at Lee Han-sol as if entranced. A hazy gaze. His chapped, unsightly lips moved slightly.
“Is it really you…?”
He asks in a very small voice. Han-sol’s face gradually distorts. Slow to grasp the situation, Han-sol didn’t know what to do right now. Why is Baek-woo… Until just moments ago, he had been thinking that Baek-woo wouldn’t be able to find him, or rather, wouldn’t do so.
Baek-woo had been meticulously following everything Han-sol had done in the past, step by step, as if tracing it, so he had arbitrarily judged that this time too, Baek-woo would act similar to his past self. Unless Baek-woo’s heart was more persistent than his own… or more… than how much Han-sol liked Baek-woo, there was no reason for him to be here. That’s what he thought. He was sick of thinking about possibilities now. So why…
“Why are you here looking like that?”
“…Ah.”
As if coming to his senses, Baek-woo hurriedly covered his mouth with the back of his hand. His emaciated, smaller face was easily hidden by his large hand. His head droops like a criminal’s. Nevertheless, Baek-woo’s gaze clings to Han-sol, lingering full of attachment. Han-sol’s brow wrinkled at that crumbly gaze. He already feels his mood plummeting to rock bottom. Reading this sign, Baek-woo’s complexion turns ashen. He belatedly rises with creaking movements. Han-sol’s gaze follows Baek-woo’s movements like a pen connecting dotted lines.
“Answer me. Why did you come? How, what do you want?”
“…It’s not like that.”
“If it’s not like that, did you just come all the way here because you were bored?”
“I, I didn’t intend to be seen… I thought that would be okay…”
I’m sorry, I thought wrong… Baek-woo spoke with increasing difficulty, his voice getting smaller toward the end. Knowing his appearance is unsightly, he doesn’t remove the hand covering his face. Han-sol clenched his molars as he looked at Baek-woo.
Why?
He resented inwardly. Why are you here? Why do you have to appear in person? I’m trying so hard not to even think about you. Why on earth…!
Why doesn’t anyone help me…
“…How did you know I was here? Seems like C-class don’t even have personal information. Did that damn Center pass it on? If not that, are you really a stalker? Did you stalk me?”
“It’s not like that…”
“If it’s not like that.”
“Hunter Choi Tae-hyuk… said he saw hyung… I thought I shouldn’t ask, but then…”
Baek-woo continued speaking somehow with a desolate attitude. As if searching every corner of his body to gather his voice and squeeze it out. Despite being intimidated with broken spirit, his attitude is desperate. Such an earnest demeanor from Baek-woo seems to set fire to Han-sol’s solar plexus. Confused emotions clumped together in lumps welled up. Uncertain feelings that he couldn’t define despite being his own. Han-sol bit his lips to endure the feeling of his throat and heart being tightly constricted. He wanted to stomp his feet and scream for him to stop.
Stop it. Stop making me concerned. Don’t act like this moment is so desperate, don’t act like that in front of me…!
Han-sol knows why Baek-woo is acting this way. Because Han-sol has been there too. Afraid that the moment he stops speaking, Baek-woo, alive and moving before his eyes after so long, might leave, that reality might shatter like a dream. So there was a time when he too had desperately tried to say anything.
Ah, I hate this… I really hate this…
Han-sol thought it was terrible. This situation of recalling his own miserable self while looking at Baek-woo whom he wanted to kill felt more wretched than anything. Only after dying twenty-five times and reaching this point had Han-sol begun to pity himself.
Thinking that he’s the most pitiful, that he, the most unhappy person in the world, doesn’t need to care about anyone else. That there’s no need to think about someone like Baek-woo. Whether he’s surprised, confused, sad, angry, and thus comes to hate people and distrust the world like Han-sol. Whether he lives or dies. Worrying about such things is like a begging beggar sympathizing with the great prince, so stop acting like an idiot. He should think only about himself—he only just realized this now.
But why must I overlay that unfortunate me onto Baek-woo?
Han-sol dislikes Baek-woo. So I don’t want to know about your sadness. I dislike you. You’re contemptible. A vile betrayer. A filthy bystander. Jung Yi-dam’s sickening accomplice. Why should I know your sadness? Why should I feel your misery as my own? Why do you imitate me in front of me? Han-sol feels like dying from how much he dislikes Baek-woo.
“Hyung…! I missed hyung so much. I missed you so much… I really just wanted to see you. I missed you so, so much… I wanted to see you moving… talking, breathing… So… I thought I shouldn’t ask… I’m sorry, hyung.”
I didn’t mean to appear before you and make you angry. I did wrong, I’m sorry.
Baek-woo struggles with all his might. Even if he gets forgiveness here, nothing will improve, yet he chooses to do only useless things. And even that is like Han-sol from sometime before. Han-sol… who only needed Baek-woo. Han-sol who couldn’t take a single step because the ground seemed completely soaked like mud without Baek-woo. Pathetic Han-sol.
How can Baek-woo act so hatefully? If you were going to act so much like Han-sol, you shouldn’t have come here at all.
Han-sol became instantaneously tired as if about to collapse. He says inwardly:
I’ve heard it all. Do you want to die that much? You’re depleted of both strength and spirit. I know because I’ve been there too. I was so lethargic then. It felt like being crushed by the air. So I absolutely couldn’t stand up, couldn’t even chase after your back. Not even your back… You must have been comfortable then. Throughout the twenty times this time repeated, I sickly lingered around you… but you didn’t do that then. Just as you did until recently, you stayed locked up at home, giving up everything and just waiting for the day to die. I know too well those days of dreaming of death when closing your eyes, thinking of death when opening them. I can predict all your actions and thoughts, Baek-woo.
But why did you come looking for me? Why act like me in everything so I can guess, but then act differently only in this?
Han-sol resented Baek-woo. You’re tormenting me to the very, very end, he thought. From the past until now, all your actions are tormenting me. Han-sol didn’t want to think about Baek-woo. When he thought of Baek-woo, he thought of Yi-dam, and Yi-dam crept into his ears and whispered for a long time.
You only pity yourself, right? You think only you keep dying miserably, again, again, and again, right? You think only you felt that terrible pain, right? You think you’re the only one truly hurt in this world, the only one truly miserable, right? But Baek-woo died too. He died because you were gone… Bleeding raspberry jam-like blood… very sweetly… draaaagggggging oooouuuuutttt….
Yet you still try to condemn Baek-woo. Even after learning it was all the system’s scheme. You arrogant and vulgar narcissist. A destitute vermin with nothing but self-pity. Trash who only knows how to be a nuisance. Han-sol, you really are…
A shameless person who deserves to die.
Yi-dam’s voice hisses like a snake in his head. It kept making Han-sol unable to do this or that. I’m the most pitiful. I’m the most pitiful. No matter how much Baek-woo suffers, I can’t forgive him. For Baek-woo to seek my forgiveness, he must die as much as I have. As much as me, exactly as I suffered… exactly the same…
Exactly the same.
After these thoughts full of stubbornness passed, Han-sol soon felt dizzy. As if having starved for days, his strength left instantly and he lost balance. He fell into confusion. A feeling like fainting. Like light passing through a prism, Han-sol’s thoughts scattered dimly.
Then should I forgive Baek-woo right now, bury all my past, and return to my original self…? Because he has died as much as I have, should I do that?
Then what about the heart I’ve been whittling away? What about me who tried to endure? Who can I resent? I…
I’m still too distressed… The fact that I’ve barely become okay is actually all a lie. I’m still not okay at all, I’m still…
Han-sol couldn’t bear the feeling of the one path he had barely found scattering before his eyes. He had to circle the same place until now because of Baek-woo. After wandering there until his soul was worn out, he was finally able to take one step forward. But simultaneously, Baek-woo, who never returned no matter how much he searched, seemed to drop from the sky and block his path. Again, preventing him from moving forward.
What do you want me to do? It’s not like I did anything wrong. It’s not like that, please…
After Yi-dam’s visit, Han-sol became confused just by thinking about Baek-woo. Han-sol’s reason and emotions, past and present, consciousness and senses were brutally tangled as if being kneaded together. Baek-woo was still, too much, holding onto Han-sol’s ankle. Han-sol worked hard to pretend not to know this fact.
He met people awkwardly, and unable to bear the unstable mood that wobbled, he grabbed anyone and went wild. He did shameless things coming and going to a stranger’s house. These were all things he clung to solely to avoid thinking about Baek-woo.
But why go as far as to look for me? Baek-woo, you’re really too much…
Han-sol became tired shortly after confronting Baek-woo. Though he hadn’t said anything particularly remarkable, he had no strength left. Baek-woo was still making excuses, “I’m sorry, I did it because I missed hyung so much, I’m sorry…” and Han-sol turned away without answering. Taking care not to stagger as his legs gave way, he walked forward.
I don’t know. It’s hard. I just want to go home. Go home with Ppomi and not think about anything…
The arm walking toward Ppomi was suddenly grabbed. Unlike the urgent touch and desperate grip, the hand wrapping around his arm was trembling anxiously. Han-sol didn’t turn to look at Baek-woo.
“Hy, hyung.”
“Let go.”
“Sorry, I’m sorry. I did wrong. I’m sorry for coming to find you.”
“If you know, let go.”
“But… but…”
Han-sol knocked away Baek-woo’s hand. Don’t mind him. Ignore him. It’s okay to do that. Just because he died doesn’t mean that’s everything. Baek-woo doesn’t know anything anyway. Even if he died several times, the current him doesn’t know such things, he still doesn’t understand at all what made me like this, he’s just suffering his own reality, so there’s no need to care. Why are you conscious of someone who doesn’t even know what he did wrong? Worrying alone, fretting alone, struggling alone. Aren’t you tired of it? Please stop having such pathetic thoughts, you mental case! This is why you’re manipulated like a pushover! This is why everyone laughs at you and ignores you!
Han-sol continuously self-deprecated inwardly, trying to pull himself together. To appear nonchalant and confident, he deliberately straightened his back more and squared his shoulders. From behind, Baek-woo’s voice, having become even smaller, was heard.
“Hyung… what… what should I do… what should I do?”
“…”
“Can’t I, can’t I just look? Just watching hyung from here…”
“If you come again, I’ll really kill you.”
“…I really did wrong.”
“…”
“I did wrong…”
Han-sol clenched his teeth and said:
“If you know you did wrong, go back to Jung Yi-dam.”
Han-sol felt Baek-woo’s presence, which had been stumbling after him, come to a stop. Pretending not to notice, he untied Ppomi’s leash from the no-parking area and grasped it in his hand.
I need to go home. Go home, wash up, and tightly hug Ppomi under the blanket. I’ve always been confused, so there’s nothing new about it. Nothing changes. Han-sol thought obsessively, widening his eyes to focus only on what was ahead. He walks past Baek-woo, who stands like a shadow. Baek-woo’s eyes, gloomy like an abyss, slowly followed such a Han-sol.
“…Hyung.”
Han-sol didn’t answer. He pretends not to hear the whisper as small as a breath.
“Did I… let you…”
“…”
“Did I let… hyung… die…?”
Author: Hyacinthus B
Hyacinthus
