#109
Ki Baek-woo quietly stared at the bedroom door that was firmly shut as if it would never open again. He recalled Lee Han-sol inside, yelling that he was a dirty and vile traitor. Han-sol’s cynical gaze that had pierced through his desperate heart like an arrow. The hateful words that poured out in a voice rippling with anger and disillusionment.
I want to die.
He wanted to die in that moment, and he still did now. In Ki Baek-woo’s mind, the Han-sol from his dreams who had desperately called only for him swirled chaotically. The pitiful… fake Han-sol who searched only for Ki Baek-woo until the moment he disappeared into the monster’s mouth. A polar opposite to the real Han-sol who seemed to want to tear Ki Baek-woo’s heart to shreds. Ki Baek-woo mocked himself for worrying about the dream until just moments ago. Right, there’s no way that could be real. It’s all just a dream. I’m the one who likes hyung.
It’s not hyung who likes me.
“It’s okay.”
Ki Baek-woo whispered to himself in a very small voice. It’s okay. I always thought this day would come. That someone like Lee Han-sol wouldn’t be tied only to me forever, that no matter how much I try to hide it, light leaks out, and people would flock like insects to a night light… Ki Baek-woo had always trembled with anxiety. That moment he had been dreading had simply arrived. So I just need to prepare for it calmly. It’s okay.
Ki Baek-woo walked with reluctant steps to the living room and sat back down on the sofa. He pulled his knees up and hugged them tightly.
No, it’s not okay. I’m so scared…
Tears that had stopped began to fall again, plop, plop, and Ki Baek-woo thought while crying very quietly without making a sound. He needed to prepare. He had to find a way to stay by Han-sol’s side. He truly, with all his heart, did not want to be abandoned by Han-sol. He couldn’t live that way. That wouldn’t even be living, and if such a thing really happened, it would be the end of Ki Baek-woo. A tearing cocoon. His world.
All that awaits a silkworm moth outside its cocoon is predetermined death.
So Ki Baek-woo would die without Han-sol. That was an established fact. Ki Baek-woo spent the distant dawn with his eyelids, swollen from crying, forcibly open. Though he didn’t think he would have the same dream again, he still didn’t want to fall back asleep. The thin voice of dream Han-sol calling him affectionately, “Baek-woo,” seemed to stick to the inside of his eardrums. And his final question too.
‘This is really the last time, are you still okay with this?’
No, I’m not okay. Hyung, I’m really not okay. Do you really have to abandon me, please. I’ll become a good person if we stay together. I’ll become useful. I’ll do anything, please, can’t you just let me stay by your side…
But the Ki Baek-woo in the dream doesn’t answer like that, and indifferently helps Jung Yi-dam up. Han-sol disappears into the Annihilation’s mouth. Without leaving any trace except bloodstains.
Ki Baek-woo’s mind was a bit foggy as he spent the night awake. A naturally unrealistic premonition came to him. This horrible dream that kept coming to mind even though he didn’t want to remember it might actually be a prophetic dream. It might be warning him: ‘Han-sol will eventually disappear, leaving you behind. So you should prepare to die now. In reality, it will be you who is cruelly and painfully chewed up by the Annihilation’s teeth and turned into a lump of meat.’
Ki Baek-woo buried his forehead on his raised knees. Much later, dawn broke.
I should make pancakes, Ki Baek-woo thought.
Ki Baek-woo tried his best. He desperately did what he could with all his might. There was nothing he wouldn’t do to please Han-sol. That is, except for the one request to please disappear because he was annoying.
Han-sol was often rough, frequently twisted, and generally indifferent. As if Ki Baek-woo’s struggles were laughable, he would deliberately assign many unnecessary tasks. And then he wouldn’t even check if Ki Baek-woo did them or not. Still, Ki Baek-woo obeyed as told. He didn’t feel hurt or humiliated. Han-sol had that power. Because Ki Baek-woo was always the more desperate one. It wasn’t surprising. Han-sol had always held the key to their relationship. He just hadn’t wielded it until now. So it was fine even if Han-sol treated him worse. Ki Baek-woo wished he would just do that instead.
A cool expression. Indifferent eyes. A mineral-like attitude as if whatever Ki Baek-woo did had nothing to do with him. Ki Baek-woo felt like crying when Han-sol acted like that. When it seemed like nothing would work. When the thought that he was a being of no merit to Han-sol arose irresistibly… That’s why Ki Baek-woo had become obsessed with Han-sol’s pleasure at some point. The only time he was clearly happy was when Ki Baek-woo sucked his penis. No matter who it was, no matter whose mouth he ejaculated into, orgasming would feel good. To be more honest, Ki Baek-woo felt like he had died and come back to life every time Han-sol got an erection for him.
It’s still okay. It’s not the worst. It’s not… the worst yet.
If he really found me utterly disgusting, he wouldn’t get hard. Ki Baek-woo endured with such pathetic thoughts as comfort. It was a difficult time to bear. Each day felt like walking on a blade, making it hard to breathe, and he couldn’t sleep well either. Even amid all this, the dreams continued.
The disturbing dream that he thought would pass after one time continued, repeating endlessly. In front of Ki Baek-woo’s eyes, Han-sol kept dying. Died miserably. The Annihilation chewed him up crunch, crunch. Sometimes Han-sol left behind one arm, sometimes one leg. And then, anyway, he died and disappeared. Ki Baek-woo could do nothing. He was just dreaming, and the Ki Baek-woo in the dream turned his back on the suffering Han-sol like a ghost. Turned away, turned away, turned away again, and turned away once more.
Baek-woooo…
As if he couldn’t hear that maddening call, or as if it wasn’t worth paying attention to at all… he clung to Jung Yi-dam. While Han-sol was dying, while he was calling for Ki Baek-woo, right in front of him, he embraced Jung Yi-dam.
It was unbearable. Ki Baek-woo would unknowingly fall into a light sleep, only to wake up in mortal terror, over and over. Fatigue overwhelmed him, but he didn’t want to sleep.
Ki Baek-woo wasn’t a fearless person. The inevitable fear possessed by beings that cannot exist on their own. He always had that.
Han-sol’s subtly changing expressions, tone, the gap when they stood side by side, the position of his gaze when they faced each other, the tightening strength of his arms when he embraced him…
Such things made Ki Baek-woo freeze every time, and since he was always with Han-sol, he was in fact always tense. Of course, the time he feared most was the time spent apart from Han-sol, so Ki Baek-woo was actually always afraid without a moment to breathe. That’s why he was better at enduring anxiety. Bearing and suppressing it without showing. It was something he had done his whole life to the point of being experienced at it, and yet even Ki Baek-woo couldn’t handle the fear of that dream.
Ki Baek-woo tried to endure in his own way. What are you going to do if you don’t endure? Do you have any other choice? Just don’t sleep. Then you won’t dream. When his vision blurred from accumulated fatigue, he would slap his cheeks. He did this until he was wide awake. Then one day, Han-sol indifferently asked.
“What’s this, did you get beaten up?”
“…Huh?”
“Did you get beaten up somewhere to have your face in that state?”
His mind was foggy. Ki Baek-woo only understood what Han-sol meant after thinking for a moment, then hurriedly covered his cheek with the back of his hand. Though he had been spending days in the same pattern, Han-sol didn’t seem particularly concerned. So I guess it’s okay, Ki Baek-woo thought vaguely. It was funny. At that time, he was focused only on making a good impression on Han-sol. He tried to be useful, normal, and presentable. So he meticulously groomed himself every morning. Trimmed his beard and fixed his hair. Stared at the mirror for a long time with a dazed look.
‘My baby, you’re the most handsome in the world. Your eyes are handsome, your nose is handsome, your lips are handsome, everything is handsome.’
Han-sol often said that. If it were a jewel, wars would have been fought over it many times. With those black, clear eyes that gave such an impression, he would look at Ki Baek-woo’s eyes, nose, lips, and then kiss him. A kiss that made a playful sound, smooch.
‘Is Ki Baek-woo an angel? How did such an angel drop here? You’re so pretty it’s killing me.’
And as he said that, Han-sol would smile like an angel himself. That’s why Ki Baek-woo thought. I shouldn’t show an unsightly appearance. I need to look decent… He had such an obsession and would stare at the mirror for a long time every morning. And he would feel depressed. Because he didn’t like anything he saw. His pale complexion or his eyes reddened from fatigue… everything seemed terrible. The shame that made him want to break the mirror, Ki Baek-woo felt it every morning in front of the mirror. This morning was no different. Despite standing in front of the mirror for so long, how did he not think that his swollen cheeks would look strange?
How out of it am I? Inwardly surprised, he answered awkwardly.
