Delusive Fate

#116

Team Leader Hwang Ji-young shook her head as if recalling that moment made her dizzy.

“Did you know Hunter Ki went into cardiac arrest? He literally died and came back to life. Honestly, it wouldn’t have been strange if he had died from shock. When a person loses that much blood, they can die within five minutes.”

This is what Hunter Ki had done, she was saying. Do you understand how reckless you were? Ki Baek-woo didn’t respond to Team Leader Hwang Ji-young’s continued scolding.

“……”

“That level of external injury couldn’t be handled by ordinary healing abilities… No, the external injury isn’t even the issue. What’s wrong with your body condition, Hunter Ki? Weren’t you enjoying life recently? Saying you weren’t working? If so, a person should be plump and glowing, but why on earth do you look…!”

Team Leader Hwang Ji-young’s disapproving gaze swept over Ki Baek-woo lying still. The patient gown tailored to his height hung loosely on him, and his once sharply handsome face now had sunken cheeks. His naturally beautiful bone structure and the perfect muscles that once firmly covered it—the ideal proportions that had earned him the admiration of orthopedic specialists on the recovery team—now made him look unbelievably emaciated for “that” S-class Hunter Ki Baek-woo. His prominent nose bridge and brow bone, reddish eyelids and under-eyes made him look like a severe nervous exhaustion patient, and his lifeless, pale complexion and bruised lips with scabs made him appear like someone with a terminal illness.

In truth, Team Leader Hwang privately thought he looked like someone who might have attempted suicide multiple times without it being surprising. With a long sigh, Team Leader Hwang continued in a drained voice.

“Let’s say we can cut and sew up your wrist a hundred times. Let’s say you’re ridiculously lucky and your brain stays intact and you don’t die during those hundred times. But that’s only possible if your body can withstand it, right?”

“……”

“We were worried less about surgical complications and more about your body giving out and never waking up again. Your mental state is obviously terrible, and your nutritional state is the worst. What are you going to do if you’re like this already in your early twenties? You used up all the blood packs at the center that day. How could your body possibly hold up after that? Are you listening to me right now?”

Why aren’t you answering? Do you know how much trouble our team went through because of you? Are you really going to be like this? Despite Team Leader Hwang’s urging, Ki Baek-woo showed no reaction. It had been two days. Unable to bear the confusion between reality and memory, he had followed Lee Han-sol and slit his wrist, then woke up exactly two days later. His gloomy, sunken eyes turned to the vital monitor beside the bed. Several green lines continuing in sharp peaks. Faced with the evidence that he was still alive, Ki Baek-woo quietly thought: Why didn’t I die?

Why couldn’t I die?

His body felt crushed by a heavy sense of exhaustion. Ki Baek-woo reflected on what he had seen during the two days he was unconscious. He kept going over the scenes again and again.

First, he saw an unfamiliar house. There existed Ki Baek-woo and Jung Yi-dam, the two of them. On Jung Yi-dam’s neat wrist was a brown leather strap watch. After the round-cornered watch’s second hand drew two circles, Ki Baek-woo suddenly groaned in pain. Panting shallowly, he loses his balance and staggers. Some time passes. Then, suddenly struck by a splitting headache that leaves him at a loss, he momentarily stares into empty space with a blank face. His eyes shake without focus. Seeing Ki Baek-woo holding his breath as if in shock, Jung Yi-dam speaks first, as if familiar with the situation.

“Shall I save him? Han-sol, do you want me to save him?”

Jung Yi-dam was natural. Ki Baek-woo hadn’t said anything until then. Nevertheless, Jung Yi-dam’s tone was full of confidence. As if he already knew everything. As if he had watched Lee Han-sol die, time pass, and Ki Baek-woo belatedly realize his reality many times over.

“…What is… what’s happening… hyung… I… to hyung…”

“It must be confusing, but everything you’re remembering now is real. Han-sol already died because of you, Ki Baek-woo.”

“…That can’t be.”

“Don’t try to deny it. It’s all because of you, Ki Baek-woo. But it’s okay. Why? Because I can save Han-sol.”

Han-sol already died because of you. It’s all your fault.

At those words, Ki Baek-woo collapsed as if the world had crumbled. It was overwhelming to handle the memories suddenly flooding in. Ki Baek-woo’s body trembled pitifully. The words he had spoken to Lee Han-sol, his own hand pushing Lee Han-sol away, and the dead Lee Han-sol.

How could he have done that, no, how could he have completely forgotten about it, how insane must he have been to do such a thing to his hyung. While doing such things, with this man Jung Yi-dam… why am I with Jung Yi-dam now? What… how… did this… happen…

Ki Baek-woo gasps softly in confusion. He feels dizzy. Like he might throw up. He loses the will to live. Stammering, with embarrassingly inarticulate pronunciation, he asks Jung Yi-dam:

“C-can you save him…? My hyung… can you save him?”

As if a hundred years had passed in just a few seconds, Ki Baek-woo instantly became frail. Looking at Ki Baek-woo, weak as a small insect, Jung Yi-dam grins.

“Of course, I’m a healer after all. God watches over me. God’s messenger… an angel is always with me. Filled with love.”

“Th-then save, please save him. I’ll do anything, please… my hyung…!”

“Alright, Ki Baek-woo. I’ll save Han-sol for you. But there’s a condition.”

“I’ll do anything, whatever you say.”

Hope fills Ki Baek-woo’s ashen face. Jung Yi-dam, his grinning face suddenly hardened as if it were a lie, says coldly:

“Stay away from Han-sol.”

Jung Yi-dam pronounces very precisely, articulating each word with flashing eyes.

“Someone like you doesn’t deserve to be by Han-sol’s side. No matter how many times we repeat this, you never change—an idiot like you shouldn’t even come near Han-sol’s shadow, you trash.”

Ki Baek-woo’s eyes, which had momentarily brightened again, become clouded like a dying fish. His thoughts repeat. The resigned expression of Lee Han-sol dying before his eyes, the way he closed his eyes so submissively as if he had expected it… Terrified, Ki Baek-woo silently moves only his lips, then suddenly feeling something strange, asks:

“Repeat? What…?”

“I’m talking about this situation, you idiot.”

“…This situation.”

What situation is this? The end of my world? That my hyung is… gone. That I stood by and let it happen. But what’s being repeated here?

Jung Yi-dam’s cold gaze fixed on Ki Baek-woo, who sat blankly, barely managing irregular breaths. With a face full of contempt, Jung Yi-dam says:

“You think you’ve only killed Han-sol once.”

“What… does that…”

“How many times do you think this is?”

Ki Baek-woo, overwhelmed with shock, cannot respond. He just repeatedly makes a weak sigh of “Ah.” It’s a difficult statement to accept. He thinks in fear: Don’t be ridiculous. Time doesn’t flow that way. How can someone die multiple times? Are you saying time has repeated that many times? Like a game where you save and reload.

“Don’t lie…”

Ki Baek-woo spoke as if forcibly squeezing out his voice. Jung Yi-dam looks at him with contempt, as if looking at a cockroach.

“Fine, think that way. An idiot who understands nothing even with someone like Han-sol by his side. I don’t want to explain at length to a pathetic bastard like you.”

You’ll forget everything when the next cycle comes anyway. Comfortably calling yourself the protagonist. You won’t care what happens to Han-sol, using the excuse that you don’t know anything. Nothing changes. You’re a filthy pig who met Lee Han-sol by luck despite being unworthy, and gorged yourself on such love until your stomach burst. Don’t think about making excuses about the system. Love is the greatest product that overcomes everything in the world. True love is what overcomes all barriers, even in the face of death.

Someone like you is too inadequate to be by Han-sol’s side. Your love isn’t perfect. Han-sol is the only one who can destroy this whole damn world and give freedom to everyone. Because he’s the god of love. Because he’s the only sentient being in this world who knows how to love!

You, an insufficient bastard, crying and dying? Yeah, at first that was quite thrilling too. Your head bursting like a watermelon. Or maybe when you hanged yourself without even fully swallowing the childhood photo you stuffed in your mouth? Yeah, they were all worth watching. When I masturbate, I always think of Han-sol. Even when life is shit, when I remember him being devoured by destruction instead of me, my cock gets so hot I can’t stand it. I can cum as many times as Han-sol has died. But very occasionally, even that gets boring.

How long do I have to keep reminiscing alone like this? How can I get to be with someone like Lee Han-sol? He’s the god of love allocated to me, but why can’t I touch him? Why? Why? WHY?! Why is someone like that with a guy like you instead of me?

Incompetent, pathetic, like a leech that only knows how to suck blood—someone like you gets permission for Lee Han-sol’s soul and flesh, yes, flesh! You probably stripped him from head to toe and sucked every weakest part dry! But I can’t even speak to him! No matter what I do, I can’t fuck him! Why? Because I’m the damn protagonist without any privacy? Because this world is rated for an age group where idiots who don’t know how to love just rub lips at most? AAAAARGH! FUCK! This fucking…!