74.
#Something I want to hide and keep only for myself
Could he have heard something? Moreover, his current appearance was too suspicious. Haram’s eyes moved up to Dawoon’s face and then, as expected, to his bathrobe. Although he had closed it well and no skin was visible, Hayun’s semen was trickling down his thighs. He desperately hoped that the darkness of the hallway would hide it from Haram’s eyes, but as Haram’s gaze seemed to move lower, his mouth went dry.
“Why aren’t you sleeping at this hour…”
He felt he should change the subject.
“I was thirsty.”
Only then did Dawoon notice the water bottle in his hand.
“Wasn’t there any in your room?”
Haram’s room also had a mini-fridge, which was always stocked with water and drinks.
“I ran out.”
He answered casually and then yawned widely. He really did seem to have just woken up.
“Go back to bed, quickly. You have to go to school later.”
“Okay…”
Haram replied in a drowsy voice, seemingly about to fall asleep. Dawoon approached him with the most natural face he could muster, grabbed his shoulders, and turned him around. He gently pushed him towards his room, and Haram obediently started walking.
“But, hyung.”
After a few steps, he turned back and called out to Dawoon.
“You’ll catch a cold if you go around like that.”
The child’s words made his heart sink again.
“Yeah.”
He wondered if Haram might have noticed his relationship with Hayun. His heart felt like it was shriveling, but he smiled as if nothing was wrong.
As he watched Haram walk towards his room, Dawoon entered his own. His whole body was trembling like an aspen tree. With each step, his knees weakened, making him stagger. He barely managed to enter the bathroom by leaning against the wall, and as soon as he got in, he collapsed onto the floor.
His body, which had been heated up by the intense activity just moments ago, cooled down instantly.
‘Please, slowly… huu…’
The image of himself writhing in pleasure under him vividly came back to life.
‘I love you.’
And then, those unexpected words.
Suddenly, he felt nauseous. He quickly turned around, grabbed the toilet, and started dry heaving. But all that came out was yellow bile. Every time after being with Hayun, he would feel an unbearable urge to vomit.
At first, he thought there might be a problem with his stomach, but that wasn’t it. It was just a psychological reaction of rejection. After repeating this a few times, he learned and started not eating anything before being with him.
Today was no exception. Even though there was nothing left to bring up, he continued retching for a while before finally rubbing his reddened eyes and leaning back against the wall. As he stared blankly into space, a bitter laugh escaped him.
Love, he says. He’s really gone crazy.
That single word from Hayun made him feel like he was falling back into an abyss he thought couldn’t get any deeper. He kept laughing bitterly, covering his face with one hand. He had thought that with time, it might get a little better, but why did it seem to be getting worse?
“I love you” was a phrase that should never be uttered. Could it be that he was mistaking repeated acts for something else? Otherwise, how could he dare to say those words? Was he drunk on the afterglow of sex? Was Jeong Hayun that kind of sentimental person?
Obsession. Possessiveness.
Such dark emotions couldn’t be wrapped up in the word ‘love’. Even for Jeong Hayun, that shouldn’t be allowed.
I wish he’d just hurry up and get married. Now that he’s thirty, there should be some pressure to get married, right?
But on the other hand, he was scared. Scared that Hayun might want to continue this crazy relationship even after getting married, that his marriage might not be the end but the beginning of an even worse situation.
Should I really run away somewhere far?
He remembered what Ui-hyeon had said long ago. Back then, he thought it was absolutely impossible. But now, Haram was ten years old. He was in elementary school, and he certainly didn’t seek out Dawoon as much as before. He still acted like the youngest in front of him, throwing tantrums, but according to the housekeeper and Haram’s tutors, he was much more mature than others his age.
Should I… study abroad?
It was the only way to leave this mansion without raising suspicions. Hayun wouldn’t allow it, but wouldn’t it be possible to go as an exchange student through the university? When it came to financial issues, he thought he could figure something out when the time came. If he lived in a dormitory and got a part-time job, he could manage living expenses. Fortunately, thanks to Jeong Hayun not allowing him to do anything other than go to school, his grades were excellent. His tuition was fully covered by scholarships, and he had no worry about being rejected for an exchange student application.
Having similar worries every year, he was already in his fourth year before he knew it. Realizing how much time had passed, he let out a bitter laugh. Now, it seemed better to just graduate quickly. After graduating, getting a job, and earning money, he would be able to truly become independent.
“Ha… haha… haah…”
In the end, he came to the conclusion of ‘resignation’ again. The self-deprecating laughter that had been escaping gradually turned into sighs, disgusted with himself.
***
Thanks to Hayun returning from his business trip, the brothers had breakfast together for the first time in a while. Haram, who came down last, brightened up when he saw Hayun and Dawoon sitting there.
“Big brother!”
Since Haram had already gone to bed when Hayun returned last night, this was the first time he was seeing him.
“When did you get back? Last night?”
Excited to see his eldest brother after two weeks, he ran down as if about to hug him, but instead of jumping into his arms like when he was younger, he stopped in front of him with a big grin. Hayun smiled and patted his head. However, Haram immediately dodged his hand by tilting his body to the side.
“No! I just styled my hair before coming down. Don’t mess it up!”
He was different from before, having grown up a bit. Seeing that he seemed to have actually applied something to style his hair, Hayun laughed incredulously.
“Jeong Haram, you’ve gotten vain lately.”
Dawoon added with a sigh.
“All kids are like that these days.”
Haram pouted.
“I’m not a kid anymore. I need to know how to dress up properly.”
Dawoon shook his head at his words, boasting that he wasn’t a child anymore when anyone could see that he still was. I don’t think I was like that when I was young, who does Jeong Haram take after? He glanced up at Hayun sitting across from him. Was Jeong Hayun like this when he was young? There was no way to know.
“Do you know how popular I am?”
Haram added unsolicited information as he sat down next to Dawoon. He was still very much a child, wanting to brag about himself to his brothers. Hayun chuckled, finding this side of Haram cute.
“I’m the tallest in my class. I’m also the most handsome! And in studies too!”
The child’s boasting seemed endless.
Of course, he would be better at studying than his classmates, having had private tutors teaching him all sorts of things since he was young. Grandfather wanted him to be homeschooled and finish middle and high school quickly, but Hayun opposed it. He argued that going to school and interacting with peers was an important part of learning social skills. Dawoon agreed with Hayun on this point.
Haram’s appearance was definitely becoming more similar to Hayun’s as he grew. He had distinct features and was tall. He seemed to take after their father more than their mother. While people who didn’t know would ask if Dawoon and Hayun were really brothers, everyone said that looking at Haram was like seeing Hayun when he was young.
So it was probably true that he stood out and was popular among his peers.
“Yerim likes me, and Haeun likes me too. I’m trying to decide which one to choose.”
As the child continued speaking, Dawoon couldn’t help but laugh. Moreover, Haram seemed to be seriously contemplating this.
“Which one do you like more?”
Hayun responded more flexibly to Haram’s words than Dawoon.
“Both. Yerim is kind, and Haeun is pretty.”
“You’re a player.”
Haram bristled at Dawoon’s words.
“Why am I? I’m not dating anyone, so why am I a player?”
“You said you like both of them.”
“That’s because they’re both friends.”
He was still a child after all. Confirming that his standard of liking didn’t go beyond the boundaries of friendship was actually reassuring.
“That’s not real liking,” Hayun said as he got up from his seat, seemingly finished with his meal.
“What’s real liking then?”
The child looked up at Hayun with an innocent expression. Unconsciously, Hayun’s gaze turned to Dawoon. Wondering why that gaze was directed at him, Dawoon pretended not to notice and continued eating.
“It’s something you want to hide from everyone’s eyes and keep only for yourself.”
Despite answering calmly, Dawoon’s hand stopped as he was about to take a sip of soup, alarmed by the frightening words. He could still feel the gaze fixed on him, but he didn’t look back. It felt like he shouldn’t meet his eyes right now.
“Hide it?”
Haram tilted his head, finding it hard to understand.
“That’s what happens when you like someone too much. You start wishing that person would only look at you.”
“Hmm.”
Haram tried to understand Hayun’s words.
“Stop talking nonsense and hurry up and eat. I have a lecture during second period today, so let’s leave together,” Dawoon intervened, cutting off their conversation. Each word from Hayun made him uncomfortable, making the food he was eating feel like it was getting stuck in his throat.
“Come to think of it, hyung.”
Thankfully, Haram seemed to have lost interest in the previous conversation and turned to Dawoon. He still unconsciously called Dawoon ‘hyung’ while properly addressing Hayun as ‘big brother’.
“Yesterday, when you came out of big brother’s room, did you stop by because you knew he was back?”
Dawoon’s eyes wavered at the unexpected question.
