142.
#The Words “I Love You”
Dawoon changed into the clothes Hayun had bought and came out to have a late lunch.
“Is it okay to go around like this?”
Dawoon wondered if a car might come rushing at them again from somewhere. Even though he thought they wouldn’t try again right after failing once, he couldn’t feel at ease.
“It won’t happen again.”
At the firm answer, Dawoon stared at Hayun’s profile.
How can you be so sure?
He swallowed the question he wanted to ask. Even if Hayun had done something, Dawoon didn’t want to know. It might be in a way he couldn’t comprehend. He thought the probability of that was even higher. As he continued to be with Hayun, he might have to experience more things, but he didn’t want to be on edge every time. This was also a part he had to give up to stay by Hayun’s side.
As Dawoon was walking through the lobby after getting off the elevator, he stopped when a shadow blocked his path. Looking up, he saw Choi Yu-na standing there. The smile disappeared from Hayun’s face at her appearance.
“Why are you…”
Dawoon pulled on Hayun’s arm, which was about to exude coldness towards her, making him look at Dawoon instead, and shook his head. Fortunately, Hayun frowned but sighed and kept his mouth shut.
“I need to talk to you.”
Choi Yu-na was looking only at Dawoon, ignoring Hayun completely.
“What could the two of you possibly have to talk about?”
Hayun retorted in a cold tone but didn’t even turn to look at her.
“It’ll only take a moment.”
Choi Yu-na nodded towards the sofas set up in one corner of the lobby. It meant that would be enough, without needing to go somewhere private.
As Dawoon moved towards the sofa, Hayun followed as if it was natural. When Dawoon turned back and shook his head, Hayun’s eyes narrowed.
“I don’t mind if he listens.”
Choi Yu-na was the one who didn’t care. Finally, Dawoon sighed and turned around. As he sat down facing Choi Yu-na, Hayun sat a little distance away. Dawoon had thought he would try to sit at the same table, but he at least maintained a proper distance.
Choi Yu-na looked at Hayun and then shifted her gaze to Dawoon. Her expression looked so complicated that Dawoon couldn’t find words to speak first.
“I’m sorry.”
An apology came out of her mouth first.
“I really didn’t want to do it, but I had no choice.”
Choi Yu-na’s fine eyebrows were deeply furrowed. It felt like she was genuinely sorry, not just saying empty words.
“I understand. I can roughly guess what kind of situation it was.”
At Dawoon’s words, Choi Yu-na tightened her lips and twisted the corners of her mouth.
“Still, it doesn’t change the fact that I was selfish. I didn’t want to do that to you, of all people.”
She seemed more troubled by this incident than Dawoon had expected.
“I’m just as selfish, so you don’t need to feel so sorry.”
At Dawoon’s words, Choi Yu-na looked at him with an expression that seemed to want to ask, ‘You?’. Dawoon smiled faintly and lowered his gaze.
“Not to you, senior, but to someone else, I too made a selfish choice. Although I did it prepared to be criticized, I must have hurt someone in the end.”
Even though it was an abstract statement, Choi Yu-na listened silently.
“At least I wasn’t hurt because of you, senior. Rather, it made me stop hesitating. I don’t know what will happen from now on, but…”
As Dawoon’s voice trailed off, Choi Yu-na exhaled deeply.
“It’s not that you’ve given up, is it?”
At that question, Dawoon raised his eyes to look at her again. With a clear face, calmly meeting her gaze, Dawoon quietly smiled.
“I’m not sure what I was giving up anymore. Maybe it was what my former self had been giving up.”
At this subtle statement, one of Choi Yu-na’s eyebrows furrowed.
“I was always anxious about hurting someone because of me, about my very existence being a misfortune to everyone, but I’ve let go of that part. If it’s something that can’t be changed anyway, I decided to be selfish about at least one thing.”
Dawoon’s gaze shifted from her to Hayun. Whether he was listening or not, Hayun wasn’t looking their way.
“Is he what you’ve been selfish about?”
Choi Yu-na asked, turning her head following Dawoon’s gaze. Dawoon neither confirmed nor denied. He still wasn’t certain. But his desire to be with Jeong Hayun was clear. For now, isn’t that enough?
“Do you love him?”
At the following question, Dawoon’s heart twinged. Does he love him? He smiled bitterly and looked back at her.
“Well…”
Hayun might be listening, but that’s why Dawoon couldn’t say the words “I love you” out loud.
“He says I’m his heart.”
At this unexpected statement, Choi Yu-na tilted her head.
“He says I’m that kind of existence to him.”
A bitter smile appeared on Dawoon’s face.
“I think it’s similar for me too.”
Jeong Hayun’s existence was not a matter of like or dislike, but closer to a matter of survival. Because no one can live without their heart… During the time he was apart from Hayun, Dawoon was breathing, but he couldn’t feel the sensation of being ‘alive’.
Even if it was painful, agonizing, and a mess, only when Jeong Hayun was by his side did all his senses return to normal. Would it be better to feel nothing, or to feel even pain? He hadn’t come to an answer about that yet. But for now, he chose the latter. He thought that even if he came to regret it, experiencing it and then regretting would be better than regretting without even trying.
Choi Yu-na, who had been quietly looking at Dawoon, exhaled so loudly that it made a “haa” sound.
“Not all love takes the same form.”
Wondering what she was trying to say, Dawoon silently waited for her next words.
“Even if it’s a feeling that others can’t accept…”
Choi Yu-na glanced at Hayun.
“For someone, it might be desperately important enough to die for. I don’t necessarily need to understand that.”
She stood up from her seat.
“Actually, what your feelings are like doesn’t matter to me. I just hope you’re not suffering. That way, I won’t feel guilty either.”
At these words drawing an appropriate line, Dawoon smiled faintly. Seeing that smile, Choi Yu-na sighed heavily once again.
“I’ll go now. I don’t think we’ll see each other again from now on. Take care.”
Leaving these words in a monotone voice, she turned away first. Without even looking towards Hayun, she went straight through the hotel lobby towards the exit. The fact that she didn’t look back even once suggested that Dawoon’s answer had lightened her heart, whether it was to alleviate her guilt or because she felt sorry.
Only after she had gone outside the hotel did Dawoon stand up and go to Hayun.
“Aren’t you going?”
At the question asking if he wasn’t going to eat, Hayun didn’t move an inch. His profile, with the smile gone, looked rather cold. What was he displeased about? After pondering, Dawoon wondered if it was because he hadn’t properly answered the question about whether he loved Hayun. But it couldn’t be helped. Even if Hayun had asked directly, Dawoon would have given the same answer.
Come to think of it, he’s never asked. If I love him.
Dawoon chuckled at this sudden realization. Jeong Hayun always said he loved Dawoon as he pleased, but he had never asked Dawoon if he loved him. As if it didn’t matter whether he heard it or not. Or as if he already knew everything.
“Jeong Dawoon.”
Hayun called softly, grasping Dawoon’s wrist. Dawoon was about to pretend not to know and urge him to go eat quickly, but Hayun was holding on more strongly than expected, making it impossible to shake him off.
“It doesn’t matter. It’s okay for now.”
At these sudden words, Dawoon looked down at him quietly. Hayun wasn’t looking at Dawoon. His gaze was fixed straight ahead, just gripping Dawoon’s wrist tightly. As if he would never let go.
“If it’s hard to say, you don’t have to.”
“I might never say it in my lifetime.”
At this indifferent answer, Hayun looked up at Dawoon. His eyebrows furrowed slightly as if displeased.
“But I’ll still stay by your side.”
Hayun let out a laugh at these words, added while maintaining eye contact.
Even if you don’t like it, there’s nothing you can do about it. This is my best.
Dawoon swallowed the next words in his throat and pulled on the wrist that was being held.
“I’m hungry.”
At these words urging to go eat quickly, Hayun smiled weakly as if admitting defeat and stood up.
With his wrist still held, Dawoon started to walk, thinking Hayun would follow naturally, but he was suddenly pulled back. He almost fell because of it, but fortunately, his back met Hayun’s chest. Before he could complain about what Hayun was doing, he felt Hayun’s breath on his ear. It was because Hayun had tilted his head to bring his face close to Dawoon’s ear.
“I love you.”
Dawoon’s shoulders hunched at these words whispered into his ear. Hayun was so close that his lips brushed against Dawoon’s earlobe every time he spoke. Although there weren’t many people in the lobby at this awkward hour, it still seemed suspicious enough, so Dawoon tried to turn around, but Hayun put his arm around Dawoon’s shoulder, making it impossible to move.
“I love you, Jeong Dawoon.”
At these repeated words, Dawoon swallowed dryly and, realizing it was meaningless to resist, relaxed his body. Then he felt Hayun laughing softly.
“That’s right. Just accept it like that. I’ll fill you up until you can’t avoid it anymore.”
There was no need to ask what he meant by filling up.
Jeong Hayun’s feelings.
Someday, Dawoon might feel like he’s going to die, overwhelmed by those emotions. In fact, it was already overwhelming now. Still, he was determined not to answer. He resolved to endure as much as he could, to the best of his ability. He didn’t know how long that would be, but…
Author: Hyacinthus B
Hyacinthus
