Chapter 120
“I’m happy, so don’t worry.”
He couldn’t say those words out loud since the person concerned was beside him. Eunseong looked at the urn and spoke to his father in his heart.
‘I’m happy now. And I’m doing really well. Every day I eat good food and wear nice clothes. I’m sorry, but it’s completely different from when I lived with you. It’s like going from beggar to prince. Ahjussi lets me use his card freely however I want. I truly don’t lack anything. I wish you could have enjoyed these things with me. Uncle really treats me well. And I really like Uncle too. The best things you ever did were sending me to Uncle that day and giving me such a handsome cousin. But just so you know, kneeling in front of Uncle back then was truly overboard. Anyway, you didn’t do everything wrong. You weren’t just bad.’
“……”
Eunseong glanced slightly at Yoo Siwoon. Feeling his gaze, Yoo Siwoon turned to look at Eunseong. After staring intently at his face for a moment, Eunseong turned his eyes back to the urn.
‘Having this kind of person as a cousin is something you really did right, Dad. So rest now. Rest peacefully. Don’t do anything foolish… don’t hang out with bad people, please, I beg you. And stop drinking… Don’t worry about me because I’m doing very well. I’ll live well. I’ll live even better. I’ll live happily, just to show you. All the love I didn’t get from you, I’ll ask Uncle for it all.’
Eunseong stared at the urn for a very long time, talking in his heart. Until these prayer-like murmurings ended, Yoo Siwoon kept looking at the urn with inscrutable eyes.
∞ ∞ ∞
Pulling down the fresh shirt he had changed into, Yoo Siwoon roughly shook his wet hair with his hand. The day had passed so urgently that he didn’t even know how it had gone by. He felt a fatigue as if 48 hours had passed, not just 24.
Just as he was fluffing up the bedding before lying down, there was a knock and the door opened slightly. Eunseong, dressed in pajamas, came in hugging a pillow against his side.
“…Can I sleep with you, ahjussi?”
“Of course you can. Come here.”
Although he had been anticipating that his connection with his father would someday be severed, now that he knew for certain it was broken, Eunseong couldn’t easily fall asleep alone due to unexpected emptiness and loneliness. It felt as if a large hole had suddenly appeared in his chest. He was still too young to explain in words this cold and hungry sensation.
Eunseong lay down next to Yoo Siwoon. The man offered his arm as a pillow, and Eunseong rested his head on it, moving closer. Yoo Siwoon naturally wrapped his arm around Eunseong’s back and pulled him closer in a strong embrace. Eunseong also hugged the other’s waist. Surrounded by warm body heat, the hungry sensation and empty feeling gradually disappeared.
As Eunseong, who had realized he was now alone in this world, leaned against him and nestled in his arms, Yoo Siwoon thought it was perhaps fortunate that Seo Jeong-gi had died like that. He was someone who couldn’t provide any help anyway. I should have brought him here earlier, Yoo Siwoon thought. Before developing any love-hate relationship with Seo Jeong-gi, he should have taken him in. He should have dressed him, fed him, and cared for him since he was young, treating him preciously so he wouldn’t suffer such things. This was the only thing Yoo Siwoon regretted.
Eunseong, who had been quietly lying in his arms just blinking his eyes, lifted his head to look at Yoo Siwoon. When their eyes met, Eunseong whispered.
“…I feel strange.”
“You feel strange?”
“When your father passed away, ahjussi. I mean, my great-uncle. He passed away not that long ago, right?”
“Since he died last year…”
Yoo Siwoon’s father had also passed away the previous year. He was the one who had tried to raise Yoo Siwoon properly so he wouldn’t be swayed by heretical believers, and he was the one who gave him the right convictions and beliefs. It was also his father’s will that they should protect the “great rift” that Seo Jeong-gi was hiding, whether it was real or fake, from the family, and his father’s will was Yoo Siwoon’s will.
Although he was now acting against his will, Yoo Siwoon felt no guilt. Compared to his desire for Eunseong, such guilt was merely a trivial reproach that couldn’t even scratch his reason. That time when he only had a sense of duty was a period when he couldn’t be said to be alive.
“When your father passed away, did you feel strange like this too, ahjussi?”
“I was prepared for my father to pass away soon because he was ill. It wasn’t a sudden event like yours… but I still cried a lot.”
“It’s hard to believe you cried… but I understand.”
The hand that wrapped around his back and gripped his shoulder patted Eunseong comfortingly. After rubbing his cheek against the man’s chest for a while, Eunseong turned his head slightly to face Yoo Siwoon. He also turned his gaze.
“…Ahjussi.”
“Yes.”
“That herb.”
“…Hm?”
“That herb. The one I said smelled bad.”
“Why bring that up?”
“That… could you burn it for me?”
“…”
Eunseong disliked that smell. When he smelled it, his chest would tighten and he would feel suffocated. His lower abdomen would heat up and his mind would become distant, his body flushed with excitement, and eventually he would lose his reason and crave Yoo Siwoon’s body – it was a strange herb. He disliked that the man drank it like tea every day, and occasionally burned it as incense for health reasons, so whenever he smelled it, he would unconsciously frown.
Yet now Eunseong was asking for it first. Yoo Siwoon looked at him with puzzled eyes.
“Didn’t you hate that?”
“…I do hate it, I do. But right now… right now I need it.”
“What do you mean you need it?”
It sounded like he wanted to forget reality, like someone taking drugs to forget their worries.
“Could you burn it as incense?”
“I don’t want to.”
“Why not?”
“Because we both lose our senses.”
“That’s why I need it now. I want to lose my senses.”
“…”
Unable to respond to this bold request, Yoo Siwoon looked down at Eunseong and then raised his upper body as if he had no choice. He soon went outside. He entered the kitchen and drank tea brewed with Jeokdan.
Director Nam had sharply asked what his intention was with taking Jeokdan. There was no intention. There was no purpose. Drinking this would open his spiritual eye and allow him to fully perceive the “great rift.” It wasn’t to impregnate Eunseong, nor to excite him. Yoo Siwoon himself just wanted to feel more clearly, more distinctly, the confirmation that his partner existed in this universe and that he would never again live an empty life without roots because he had no partner.
Draining the remaining tea and putting down the cup, Yoo Siwoon recalled Director Nam’s words.
The words that lingered behind him were: what are you doing to a kid who likes spicy tteokbokki even while complaining about the spiciness, a kid whose worry is finding a university he can enter with a third-tier academic record, please stop doing such things. He wasn’t doing anything. He was just making love with the person he yearned for so much it hurt his heart, yet he had to hear criticism.
After being lost in thought for a moment, Yoo Siwoon soon placed dried Jeokdan in a bowl and lit it with a lighter, as if burning kindling. The Jeokdan blazed up with flames. Carrying the ceramic bowl emitting incense, he returned to the room. He placed the smoking bowl on the side table near Eunseong.
Eunseong alternately looked at Yoo Siwoon and the smoking bowl, then took a deep breath while lying on the bed.
Yoo Siwoon sat on the bed and removed his top over his head. Eunseong gazed up at him intently. A large hand grasped the cheek that was fearfully awaiting the hallucinatory state of aphrodisiac that would soon cover his body and forcefully dominate it.
“…Will you be okay?”
“I’ll be fine.”
“…”
Unable to approach and only staring, Yoo Siwoon was pulled down by Eunseong, who wrapped both arms around his neck and drew him closer. Their faces came close, and eventually their noses touched.
“My father just died, and doing this… do you think I’m strange?”
“No. I think I understand how you feel. I’m just saying don’t push yourself.”
“But when I smell this, even though I hate it, there’s one good thing.”
“…What is it?”
“I can feel… your heart, ahjussi.”
“…”
“That you only think of me, only like me… I can feel your heart flowing into me, that I am your everything.”
Eunseong unwrapped his arms from around the man’s neck and placed his hand on Yoo Siwoon’s chest. The throbbing pulse transferred to his entire palm.
A sensation like a thrill, flowing in here…
That was the same sensation Yoo Siwoon felt as he experienced Eunseong intensifying. It was a sense of solidarity that could be obtained through emotional bonding, known only in his relationship with Eunseong.
“…I want to know right now that I am your everything. I already know it, but I want to know it better.”
“…”
“So don’t worry.”
Eunseong whispered as he overlapped his lips with Yoo Siwoon’s, who was staring at him intently. He slowly opened the overlapped lips. Eunseong also opened his mouth. He entwined his tongue with the other’s through the slightly parted lips.
Embracing Yoo Siwoon’s nape, he let out a weak moan as he swallowed and rubbed against the hotly entangling tongue. By now, the thick fragrance had spread densely throughout the room. Eunseong’s breathing was also heating up as their kisses deepened and intensified.
Author: Hyacinthus B
Hyacinthus
